Tips for adult children sharing parental caregiving
By Cathleen Starr, M.S.
Special to the Times

A common problem among adult children in sharing parental care is the division of responsibilities among siblings. In my practice I often hear the primary caregiver lament, "All of my siblings live out of town, and just because mom and I live in the same town, I'm saddled with all of the responsibility for her." This is not an unsolvable issue.

Out-of-town siblings are often willing to contribute but need some direction on how to participate. When one is a primary caregiver to a parent, they can be so swept up in crisis mode and survival, they fail to reach out. I am writing this column as much for caregivers as for their uninvolved siblings. The purpose is to offer ideas for caregivers to introduce to siblings, or for siblings to take to heart and carry out.

Off-site siblings need to do more than just offer to help. They need to participate in the process of establishing and owning care giving roles. For example, in the Bay Area, siblings may just live in other local towns and may be willing to engage in a specific hands-on role, if approached. A good start at helping this to happen is for the off-site sibling(s) to encourage the on-site caregiver to publish a monthly task (wish) list, which is e-mailed or sent to siblings. These are jobs, which are ready made for siblings to sign on. The caregiver can parcel them out as weekend jobs, thereby relieving feelings of isolation and stress on both sides. Here are some suggestions (source: Alzheimer's Daily News Service:)

· Install a set of grab bars in the bathroom
· Add non-skid backing on throw rugs
· Do the shopping/take mom out
· Weed the garden/mow the lawn/rake the leaves
· Clean out the refrigerator
· Make/freeze a week's worth of meals
· Clean the fireplace
· Wash some windows
· Repair/paint damaged walls
· Clean the bedroom or bathroom
· Clean the car
· Mop some floors
· Help with the laundry
· Organize their closets
· Remove stains on furniture and in carpeting
· Provide transportation

The best thing a non-participating sibling can do to help the caregiver is to do what the caregiver requests. Help them make the first list. This can evolve into a reliable monthly or weekly schedule for siblings to use to complete the task list.

Out-of-state siblings can help by covering certain recurring bills, sending money for mom's care, or clothes. Gift certificates for major food and clothing chains, dinner houses and family restaurants are always appreciated. Offer to relieve the caregiver of her tasks for a weekend or a week, by volunteering to care for mom at the caregiver's home or at yours. Paying for a few hours of in-home care or care at an adult daycare center is also another way to give the caregiver some time off. November is a special time to make the commitment to pitch in since it is National Caregivers' Month. How about it?
Cathleen Starr, M.S, is the director of the Geriatric Advisory Program at Almaden Valley Counseling Service. The service educates and advises adult children of the elderly on elder issues and provides individual and family counseling. For more information call (408) 268-1737 or e-mail castarr@sbcglobal.net.