December 30, 2004

TIMES HUMOR: BOROWITZ REPORT

New study questions value of in-laws

‘Pseudo-Relatives’ serve no evolutionary purpose, scientist says

As the holiday season wears on, a new scientific study released today appears to confirm what many scientists have suspected for years: that in-laws make no significant contribution to the survival or betterment of the human species.

The study, authored by Dr. William Haggerty of the University of Minnesota, studied the behavior of over 1,000 in-laws during a period of 10 holiday seasons and found that the in-laws, or “pseudo-relatives” as the study calls them, served no positive purpose whatsoever.

“Based on our data, in-laws spend most of the holidays freeloading, eating excessively and drinking up the contents of their hosts’ liquor cabinets,” Dr. Haggerty said.

In exchange for their boorish behavior, the study noted, the irritating “pseudo-relatives” usually offer nothing but “extremely inexpensive gifts that they picked up at the last second at the cash register at CVS.”

While some members of the scientific community questioned the timing of the study’s release—coinciding with the peak of the holiday season —Dr. Haggerty said that the Dec. 24 publication date was of no significance whatsoever.

“It’s a complete coincidence,” said Dr. Haggerty, whose wife’s family came to stay with him for a week starting on Christmas Eve.

Dr. Haggerty’s study also noted that “made-for-TV movies depicting Christmas being stolen, abolished or otherwise made to disappear” are wildly inaccurate and may cause unnecessary anxiety.

“In actuality, Christmas is rarely disrupted or in any way ruined,” Dr. Haggerty said, “except by in-laws.”

Elsewhere, the state of Washington said it would award its governorship to the Democrats since “it’s Christmas, and they have so little.”


Andy Borowitz is a nationally syndicated humorist. Visit www.Borowitzreport.com for more of his columns. Purchase THE BOROWITZ REPORT: THE BIG BOOK OF SHOCKERS, only $8.96 at Amazon.com.