December 27, 2007

TIMES HUMOR: BOROWITZ REPORT

Clinton says being married to Hillary ‘has never influenced my behavior’

Former President defends role as campaign spokesman

Addressing questions about his objectivity as a campaigner for his wife, Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-NY), former President Bill Clinton said today that being married to Sen. Clinton “has never influenced my behavior in the least little bit.”

During an interview on PBS’ “The Charlie Rose Show,” the former president said that those who accuse him of favoritism towards his wife “have got it all wrong, because, you know, Charlie, I’ve pretty much lived my entire life as if I wasn’t married to her at all.”

Mr. Clinton added that in order to demonstrate his objectivity about Sen. Clinton’s qualifications, he would remove his wedding ring and keep it off for the duration of the campaign.

“As far as I’m concerned, from this day on I’m single,” the former president said.

During the free-wheeling one-hour chat, aides to Mr. Clinton gathered in the studio control room and frantically attempted to induce the engineers to cut short the interview, with one aide trying to pull a cable out of its socket in the hopes that it would plunge the studio into darkness.

But their efforts were in vain as the former president continued his unbridled monologue, at one point touching on the similarities between a president and a prostitute.

“Being a president is a lot like being a thousand-dollar-a-night call girl, Charlie,” he said. “Experience matters.”

Elsewhere, former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee apologized for “unfortunate” remarks he made about Mormonism, telling a reporter, “If they want to drink the blood of human babies, that’s their business.”

For more from Andy Borowitz go to www.borowitzreport.com. Andy Borowitz is a nationally syndicated humor columnist whose work can be found in Newsweek and other publications.