December 25, 2003


Happy Holidays?

Tips to ease the pain of grief during the holiday season

For most people, the holidays bring about a time of joy and celebration.

Family get-togethers, home-cooked dinners and family traditions are just a few of the many cherished activities. Yet, for those who have experienced the loss of a loved one, the holidays are often robbed of their joy. Instead, these and other important days become a time of loneliness and sadness. What's more, throughout these seasons, we are constantly bombarded with happy family images through cards, television, commercials, movies and magazines. The contrast between what we see and how we feel, only amplifies the loneliness within.

Brook Noel, co-author of the noted book “I Wasn't Ready to Say Goodbye: surviving, coping and healing with the sudden death of a loved one” (Champion Press) and author of the new book, “Surviving Holidays, Birthdays and Anniversaries: a guide to grieving during special Occasions,” (Champion Press) offers these tips for easing grief's grip during the holidays:

· Be prepared for the ambush. Deep pain and sadness, as if the death had just occurred, can surface at odd moments. Anticipating these ambushes is half the battle. Know that they are part of the grief process.

· Talk, talk, talk. With all the celebrations and happiness that surround us, we may feel awkward bringing up anything that isn't equally festive.

· But we must release our feelings through talking to others. If we don't, our feelings will lodge within us creating a dark sadness. The only way to get past our sadness is to move through it. If you do not have someone you can talk to, consider free online support, like that which is found at www.griefsteps.com

· Grieve in your own way. Sometimes societal and religious beliefs impose rules like time limits for grief, what we should wear, how we should behave, when and where we should talk about the death and to whom. It is important not to weigh ourselves down with societal expectations. We must find our own way through to embrace life again

· Hold a grief session. The goal of a grief session is simple. Set aside 20 minutes each day where we are safe to experience our feelings. When we don't do this, we let our feelings build inside our hearts and they cause sadness and depression.

· Create a support group. Chances are that other family members and friends who were close to your lost loved one will be having equal difficulty with these difficult days. Consider asking one or more people who are facing similar emotions, to gather for a support group.

· Choose activities wisely. During holidays and other busy seasons, not only do we have to face our grief, but we often have many other commitments and people that need our attention. As you look at the upcoming difficult days, take a personal "emotional inventory." Decide ahead of time how much you can handle during the holidays. Then make sure you don't take on more than feels right to you.

· Do not try to outspend grief: As you face your holiday shopping, beware of the common pitfall of trying to "outspend" your grief. When we are feeling a hole or ache inside, human nature often leads us to purchase items to fill that hole.

· Let your body lead you. Grief affects us all differently. Let your body lead you. If you feel tired, sleep. If you feel like crying, cry. If you are hungry, at. Don't feel you need to act one way or another. There are no "shoulds" right now, simply follow the lead of your body.

· Make new traditions. This new phase in your life deserves some new traditions. Hold onto the traditions that still offer comfort, but create new traditions as well.

· Light a candle. Select a beautifully scented candle. Throughout the difficult days, light the candle as a reminder of your bond with the person you have lost. Let the light of the candle offer you comfort.

· Spread the gifts. Use the money that you would have spent on gifts for your loved one to make a special donation to charity in his or her honor.