December 21, 2006

TIMES HUMOR: BOROWITZ REPORT

Lou Dobbs Warns Santa Not to Cross U.S. Border

Anchor Attacks Foreign-made Items in Claus’ Sack

CNN anchor Lou Dobbs devoted his entire news broadcast last night to a searing expose of Santa Claus in which he warned the legendary fat man not to cross the United States’ border with Canada on Christmas Eve.

Mr. Dobbs has made “America’s broken borders” one of his signature crusades in recent years, but even for viewers familiar with his incendiary rants about illegal immigration and cheap foreign imports, his attack on Santa Claus seemed particularly vitriolic.

“To our knowledge, Santa Claus is a resident of the North Pole and therefore is doing business in the United States as an undocumented worker,” Mr. Dobbs told his television audience. “In short, he is taking jobs away from hard-working American toy-delivery personnel while the government looks the other way.”

Mr. Dobbs also pressed Congress to open a “full investigation” into the country of origin of the gift items in Santa Claus’ sack.

“We have reason to believe that Santa’s sack is full of cheap gift items manufactured in China, only adding to America’s already burgeoning trade deficit,” the CNN anchor said.

Pledging to stand guard on the U.S.’s border with Canada on Christmas Eve and to “shoot down Santa’s sleigh on sight,” Mr. Dobbs directed the last words of his broadcast to St. Nick himself.

“Santa Claus, lest you write me off as some sort of a lunatic, I must warn you, I’m not alone,” Mr. Dobbs said. “Pat Buchannan agrees with me.”

Elsewhere, singer Britney Spears was voted “Worst Celebrity Dog Owner,” reportedly because of her treatment of estranged husband Kevin Federline.

For more from Andy Borowitz go to www.borowitzreport.com. Andy Borowitz is a nationally syndicated humor columnist whose work can be found in Newsweek and other publications.