December 9, 2004

TIMES HUMOR: BOROWITZ REPORT

In tearful resignation, Ridge admits he is color blind

Choosing Terror Alerts Was ‘A Living Hell’

In a tearful resignation speech at the White House today, Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge admitted for the first time that he is “totally color blind,” a condition that made choosing terror alerts “a living hell.”

Those who gathered for the resignation speech had expected Mr. Ridge to say that he was leaving to spend more time with his family, or for some equally bogus reason, and were therefore all the more stunned by his color-blindness bombshell.

“For my entire life, I have been totally, absolutely color blind,” Mr. Ridge said to his flabbergasted audience. “I look at that terror alert chart and see one big gray blob.”

Mr. Ridge said that he did not think his color-blindness would affect his job performance when he first assumed the Homeland Security helm, adding, “On the first day, I just kind of bluffed my way through when they showed me fabric swatches for my office furniture.”

But once the terror-alert color-code system was introduced, Mr. Ridge said, “My goose was kicked.”

“For the last two years, I have lived in mortal fear that my eeny-meeny-miny-mo system of choosing alert levels would eventually come to light,” he confessed.

One White House aide who was present at Mr. Ridge’s resignation praised the color-blind cabinet member for his courage in coming clean: “The only braver thing I can imagine would be John Ashcroft admitting that he’s never read the Constitution.”

Elsewhere, Congress once again refused to act on the 9/11 Commission report, explaining that it was waiting for the movie.


For more from Andy Borowitz, go to: www.borowitzreport.com. The critics are raving about THE BOROWITZ REPORT: THE BIG BOOK OF SHOCKERS. The book is available for $9.95 at Amazon.com (http://www.amazon.com/ exec/obidos/ASIN/0743262778)