November 25, 2005

TIMES HUMOR: BOROWITZ REPORT

Desperate Bid to Boost Sagging Stock Price

Just days after Martha Stewart pronounced her ill-fated catchphrase, “You just don’t fit in,” for the last time on her just-cancelled spin-off of “The Apprentice,” the domestic diva begged to return to prison today in a desperate attempt to boost the sagging stock price of her company, Martha Stewart Omnimedia, Inc.

Ms. Stewart appeared late Wednesday night at the gates of the federal women’s prison in Alderson, W. Va., demanding a return visit to the so-called “Camp Cupcake.”

“I’m Martha Stewart - let me in, damn it!” the domestic diva roared, banging on the prison gates and wakening many of the prisoners who had been fast asleep.

Ms. Stewart’s strategy of re-incarcerating herself to give her waning stock price a much-needed lift immediately drew praise on Wall Street, which had been concerned about the lackluster ratings of her “Apprentice” spin-off.

“Martha’s stock went through the roof when she was doing time,” said media industry analyst Lara Bluestein of Credit Suisse First Boston. “The stock market is sending the same message that the Nielsen ratings did; people like Martha better when she’s behind bars.”

But Ms. Stewart suffered a setback in her self-imprisonment bid Wednesday night, when a prison guard, Doreen Shustak, informed the domestic diva that she could not be readmitted to Alderson because she had neglected to commit a crime and be convicted in a court of law.

“You just don’t fit in,” Ms. Shustak said.

Elsewhere, President Bush raised eyebrows in Japan today when he told a Tokyo audience, “The threat currently posed by global terrorism is even greater than that posed by Godzilla.”


For more from Andy Borowitz go to www.borowitzreport.com. Andy Borowitz is a nationally syndicated humor columnist whose work can be found in Newsweek and other publications.