November 9, 2006

A graceful exit

Almaden community comes to aid of family of breast cancer victim

By Julie Davis Berry
Executive Editor

When Phil Barbara looks back on the past 18 months of his life he wonders what he did to deserve such pain. He lost his job, his father, his sister and the family dog. But, the most painful experience of his life was the night of Sept. 30 when he lost the love of his life and the mother of his two little boys, Karen.

A family portrait was taken in the family backyard a few months before Karen died. “Karen was an incredible mom,” said her friend Kelly Starek. “I know all moms are great, but not all moms are so graceful in such pain and suffering as Karen was. She never took out her pain, frustration, anger or sadness on the boys. She was always loving, caring, nurturing and graceful.”

“We’re the epitome of Job!” he said through tears. “I do not know what I am going to do without her.”

As the family suffered through tragedy after tragedy, neighbors and friends, and even strangers they had never met in the Almaden community, felt compelled to reach out and offer their time, money and love in an amazing outpouring of support.

“People would hear about the family and before you knew it we’d get offers for meals, housecleaning, babysitting,” said Phil. “E-mails would be forwarded to friends and it just grew. Everyone has been so incredibly helpful.”

First meeting
Phil and Karen Barbara first met in November of 1993.

“I worked for the San Mateo County Sheriffs Office in the Main Jail in downtown Redwood City and I met a young woman, Kelly. I was getting over a broken heart and she said, “there really are gentlemen out there! You are the only deputy in the whole place who hasn’t hit on me!” When he explained the situation, she said she had a roommate that she wanted him to meet. Her name was Karen.

On their first date they talked until 3:30 in the morning. “When I went in for a good night kiss, she would only give me a hug. I knew I was in love and that after all our conversation about a wide range of topics, this beautiful, intelligent, honorable woman would someday be my wife. We were never apart from then on and I proposed exactly one year later on Dec. 3, 1994. This tough cop was terrified and I nearly pulled the tablecloth off the table of the small private restaurant in Tahoe, when I went down on one knee and asked her to be my wife.”

She said yes and they married on March 9, 1996. In 1999 their first son was born. He was named after his dad and grandfather and carried the impressive moniker Philip James Barbara, IV.

A few years later another son came along, thanks to the efforts of IVF. They named him Brennan. Karen loved being a wife and mother and was very involved in the day-to-day life of her young boys.

Injured in the line of duty
Phil took a job with the San Jose Police Department in 1994. The family’s first stroke of bad luck occurred while he was on duty in 2002. He worked on the Crisis Intervention Team and was approaching a day worker who appeared to be mentally ill when out of nowhere the man attacked him. Phil suffered a severe back, shoulder and neck injury, but because he knew he was going to be promoted to detective soon he kept working. Finally, in March 2003 he went to a doctor who said he had a broken neck and shouldn’t have even been walking around.

Since then Phil has had 25 surgeries and has two more scheduled before the end of the year.

“I have incredibly bad luck,” said Phil. “I was rear-ended in my patrol car three times and then there was this final injury. There are career sergeants who the worst thing that ever happened to them was they can say they worked too hard. Nothing bad happened to them. But, I’ll never be able to work a normal job again with these injuries.”

To make matters worse, he had to go through seven cancelled hearings on his retirement before he was finally given a small retirement from the police department.

“I never thought I’d be living on $34,000 for the rest of my life,” said Phil from his attractive Almaden Valley home. “Living here is not easy and, under these circumstances, how would I be able to pay a babysitter on what I get for retirement?” He tries not to be bitter, but adds, “once you are hurt you are no longer useful to the department. I felt like they cast me aside.”

The Bible Study group at South Hills Community Church that helped Karen through her darkest hours: Lenore Martinez, Aimie Hirihara, Barbara Oberst, Jona Rasmussen, and Renise Gunter. Missing is Tina Steckmest and Darlene Dueck. “Regardless of whether you knew her or not it’s that bond of motherhood that hits so close to home,” said Rasmussen. “And Karen was an amazing mother. So gentle and caring. You just feel compelled to reach out to her family.”

He is awaiting a decision on yet another surgery, a full lumbar fusion, which he says “will be awful.”

Discovering the lump
While Phil was in the hospital with one of his back surgeries, Karen had a miscarriage. “We were so sad because Karen really wanted to have a little girl,” said Phil. “A week later Karen found a lump in her breast.

She had a lumpectomy and was told she had clear margins around the area and in her lymphatic system.

A few days after the New Year in 2004, Karen started chemo. Then, for three months she had radiation. In March of 2005 she had just started her second round of chemo and Phil had surgery to have his neck fused. “So I’m living downstairs in a hospital bed and people were helping to take Phillip IV to preschool and taking care of Brennan who was almost 2. And poor Karen was also helping to take care of the kids even though she was going through chemo.”

Friends Karen had met through Las Madres, South Hills Community Church, Shepherd of the Valley Preschool and Simonds Elementary started to hear about the family’s health problems and reached out to help.

Community gathers round
Kelly Starek, a friend of Karen’s from Las Madres, started to organize meals for the family. “Between Las Madres, the Simonds Elementary School community, the Shepherd of the Valley community and South Hills Community Church friends and neighbors we have had dinner practically every night,” said a grateful Phil.

“Shepherd of the Valley, Lutheran Church, where Phillip went to pre-school and where Brennan currently goes to pre-school, has been an unbelievable support and they are not even our home church!” said Phil. “The senior pastor, Pastor Weller and the educational director Sandy Leatherman, along with the teaching staff and parents have taken my family under their wings. They have given Brennan a scholarship that has taken a huge financial burden off of my heavily burdened budget.”

He also cites the Simonds School community, Principal Janice Samuels, and Phillip’s teacher, Mrs. Jean Kellett, “who have been an incredible support as well as the staff and parents.

The devoutly Christian family attends South Hills Community Church and Phil says this community has also taken his family under their wing. Karen’s Bible study group was especially close to her and although Karen was a very private person, she became very close friends with one of the members, Jona Rasmussen, an outgoing woman who Phil says never left their side throughout the many trials they faced.

One of the members, Darlene Dueck, asked Karen for a list of her closest friends. She gave her a list of seven women. “I called each of them and asked if we could meet at Karen’s house every other Friday to pray for her, let her talk openly about whatever was on her mind, clean her house, or whatever,” remembers Dueck. “The seven of us weren’t friends before but through this experience we have developed a very sweet friendship. It was an amazing experience to see God’s church in action. I saw the results of a family cared for by the entire Almaden community.”

Karen had tests to check for reoccurrence and the tests came out clear, so during Christmas that year the family was filled with hope.

Reoccurrence
Karen had started walking with her close group of girlfriends and a few weeks later she noticed she had trouble keeping up. She went back to the doctor and he discovered that the local hospital radiology department had misread Karen’s CT Scan. The cancer was back and this time it had spread to her left side.

“She had liquid cancer between her chest wall and her lung,” said Phil. “I could tell by the way the doctor was talking that it was really bad. That was the day I got the video camera because I knew it was bad and I wanted to record every moment with Karen and the boys.”

The couple was devastated and once again their friends reached out to them.

Many losses
Then Phil’s father, who had kidney failure and also had cancer, became much worse. “In April of 2005 we spent a month at my parent’s house because my mom had to have knee reconstruction and my dad was dying of cancer,” recalls Phil. “My mom was amazing. She gave my dad home kidney dialysis three to four times a week for three years while teaching kindergarten.”

Phil’s father died later that month.

A few months later, in November, while Karen was going through chemotherapy again, Phil’s sister Nicole developed a blood disease and died, leaving behind three children.

It was a very difficult time for the whole family, which was only made worse when the family dog, a beloved yellow lab, died. “I remember, it was Sept. 30, 2005 and it was the day that Karen was starting yet another round of chemo and we had to put the dog down. It was really hard on her.”

That December the couple decided to take the boys to Disneyland for Christmas. “We couldn’t afford it, but we needed something to look forward to,” said Phil. “We had many great memories from that trip.”

In July of 2006 the family went down to Santa Margarita for Karen’s brother Rick’s wedding. “It was really a great trip. We took the kids to Sea World and Legoland and they had an amazing time.” But, it took its toll on Karen and she cried all day in pain the day they returned. Phil called this the beginning of the end.

While driving to Northern California for their honeymoon, Karen’s brother and his new wife Shannon cancelled their honeymoon and ended up staying for a week to help.

Mexico
Karen was to start chemo once again the day before Labor Day of 2006, but when the couple went to see her oncologist, he said Blue Shield would not continue paying for Karen’s chemo. Karen’s doctor told her she had one month left to live. “I can’t quit because of the boys,” she replied.

The desperate couple decided to try one last alternative treatment and went to a clinic called Sanoviv in Rosarita, Mexico the day after Labor Day.

“It was unbelievably hard to leave the boys. But, we felt we had to do anything we could to save her life,” said Phil.

Phil’s mom Karen is a constant presence at the Barbara home, speaks glowingly of her daughter-in-law. “Karen was just a beautiful, loving, charming woman who was absolutely devoted to Phil and the boys.”

During this time neighbors Darlene and Steve Dueck stepped in and offered to take the boys. Despite having four children of their own they were able to give the kids a little playtime while their parents were out of town. They treated the boys as if they were their own, loving and caring for them, and their children helped to take care of them too. Word spread that Karen and Phil were in Mexico seeking alternative treatments so many members of the church and the school communities stepped in and did laundry and helped the Duecks.

Each day someone in the community would leave presents on the Dueck’s doorstep for each of the boys along with an encouraging note. “The boys thought they were from us but we explained that they were from people who loved them,” said Phil. “We could not have gone to seek treatment and I could not have continued to try and save my wife’s life if it were not for the Duecks’ love and generosity in taking care of our boys.”

Despite four surgeries Karen “never showed improvement, and only got sicker and sicker so we had to came home early.”

The final days
When Karen returned from Mexico she was very close to death. Although the family didn’t know it yet, the cancer had metastasized in her brain.

Despite the protestations of the local hospital staff, Phil insisted that they respect Karen’s wishes to come home and sleep in her own bed.

Her large group of friends was always with her during this time, playing music, talking to her and praying for her. Though she was weak Karen somehow managed the strength to say goodbye to her little boys. “She said I love you and you are a good boy in a raspy voice,” to each of them.

Dueck remembers that a few months before Karen died she awoke and said she had a song in her head. It was an old hymn from the 1800s called “It is Well With My Soul,” written by a man who had lost all of his children in a tragic accident. At first she didn’t want Darlene to sing the song because she insisted, “I’m not well with my soul. I don’t like what is happening to my body!” But Dueck said that in the days before she died Karen had found peace with her impending death and when Dueck sang it to her the last time she saw Karen mouth the words along with her. “Her spirit really was at peace,” she said.

Phil was holding her hand when he “felt her last pulse at 10:11 p.m. on Saturday, Sept. 30.

Coping one day at a time
Karen’s memorial service was held at South Hills Community Church on Oct. 14. “It was a beautiful service and anyone who attended would have gotten a sense of what an amazing woman Karen was,” said Phil.

Although the kids have struggled since their mother’s death, they receive solace from the many friends and family members that are there to see them through this difficult time.

When Phil recently asked them each what do you love most about mommy, their responses were, “I love mommy’s laugh—she has a good laugh,” said Philip and Brennan simply replied, “I love mommy being mommy. Putting me in my car seat, giving me a bath. I just love her being mommy.”

“People are circling the wagons,” said Dueck. “People love this family and are not going to stop supporting them.”

Phil’s mom Karen is also a constant presence at the Barbara home. She speaks glowingly of her daughter-in-law. “Karen was just a beautiful, loving, charming woman who was absolutely devoted to Phil and the boys.”

Fund-raiser lecture to be held this Thursday
Karen’s friend Starek knows that breast cancer touches many families. “My sister, Holly Schoppe, also has breast cancer. They were both diagnosed in their late 30s and they both live in Almaden. It was very difficult to tell Holly about Karen’s death,” she said.

Karen’s memorial service was held at South Hills Community Church on Oct. 14. “It was a beautiful service and anyone who attended would have gotten a sense of what an amazing woman Karen was,” said husband Phil, shown here with sons Phillip, 7, and Brennan, 4.

But when the Starek sisters were talking after Karen’s death they came up with a plan to raise money for the Barbara family as well as getting the word out about protecting women against the disease. Holly had seen Dr. Clyde Wilson speak at the local Breast Health Project event. Kelly decided to call Wilson and ask him if we would be available to speak at a benefit for the family.

Wilson agreed to speak immediately. “Karen and Phil have obviously gone through so much in the past year and a half and it’s really an honor to be able to do something to help their family,” said Wilson who focuses on nutrition as a means of preventing a number of diseases.

“My talk will have a component about breast cancer and nutrition, but it will also be about obesity and diabetes and it will have information for marathon runners,” said Wilson. “The goal is to have something for a wide range of individuals so that everyone who attends to help the family leaves with information that will be helpful to them. My philosophy is all about moderation and doing common sense things to stay healthy like not skipping salads and drinking plenty of water. My approach is to go through the scientific literature and show how to translate that into what to make for breakfast, lunch and dinner.”

The “Nutrition for Life!” fund-raiser and lecture will be held from 7 p.m. to 8:15 p.m., Thursday, Nov. 9 at South Hills Community Church, 6601 Camden Ave., San Jose, California, 95120. Tickets will be available at the door with a minimum donation of $25 per person.

Donations may be made to the children’s education fund by sending a check made out to Phil Barbara to Bank of America, Account number 1047842677, at the branch office, 6490 Camden Avenue, San Jose, CA 95120 or by transferring funds online if you are a Bank of America customer. All donations will be used for the children’s future educational needs.