“Senior Issues”

Deciding on housing for an aging parent

By Cathleen Starr, M.S.

Special to the Times

It amazes me how seemingly endless the issues surrounding caring for aging parents can be. My clients tell me one of the toughest times comes with the recognition that one's parent should no longer live alone. It is particularly difficult when an adult child feels that he or she must take the parent into their home out of a sense of duty. In some cases it can work, in others it can be a nightmare.

Many adult children live with the legacy of a promise made to a parent to never put them into a nursing home. If you fall into that category, ask yourself this: do you even know what a nursing home is like? If you think it is the only option for those unable to perform one or more of the activities of daily living, you need to do your homework. In other words don't deprive a parent of the opportunity to live in an independent or semi-independent setting with services just because you made a promise about a “nursing home.”

Check in the Yellow Pages under “Retirement Communities,” and you will find an assortment of options. Some just offer convenience services, while others are licensed to give custodial help. Or, look under “Homes – Residential Care,” and you will find many board and care homes ready to provide a private room, companionship and help with the activities of daily living. If your parent is able to remain in their home with help, check out “Home Health Services.” Although Medicare often does not cover in-home care, it is possible to get some services covered through Medi-Cal if you qualify.

Let's take a look at all of this from another perspective. What if you know all of the foregoing, and for cultural reasons, or reasons known only to yourself you still choose to have your parent live with you? Then you need to examine the consequences of making this decision to help ensure the success of the move. Ask yourself the following questions:

•  Is this what your parent wants? Is this what your family wants? Is this what your siblings want? Is this what you want? You will need support on all sides to make this work. I usually recommend a family meeting to gain consensus and establish roles.

•  Do you have the space to ensure enough privacy for all?

•  Will your parent have companionship or be alone most of the day? What will their social network be?

•  Is the layout and design of your home suited to your parent's needs?

•  Have you planned for respite for yourself and spouse? Do you have a backup care giving system?

•  What are the financial implications? Will your care giving be supported financially by siblings?

•  How will you support your parent's sense of independence?

•  If necessary, will you help your parent in getting to their house of worship?

•  What about pets?

•  How will you support your parent through the process of sorting, organizing and conducting the move?

It's a very big decision, even bigger if you are considering moving a parent in from out of town. Take the time to determine a fully supported plan of action, and your chances for a “happily ever after” increase dramatically.

Cathleen Starr, M.S., is the director of the Geriatric Advisory Program at Almaden Valley Counseling Service. The service educates and advises adult children of the elderly on elder issues and provides individual and family counseling. For more information call (408) 268-1737 or e-mail castarr@sbcglobal.net