November 4, 2004

TIMES HUMOR: BOROWITZ REPORT

It’s Gore

CBS Declares Former Veep Surprise Winner

Election Night 2004 served up one of the biggest surprises in American political history as CBS News declared former Vice President Al Gore the winner shortly after 10:00 PM.

The network’s decision to call the election for Mr. Gore was particularly surprising, political insiders said, because the former vice president had not run for election this year, nor had his name appeared on any of the states’ ballots.

Perhaps in part because of the stunning nature of the election’s outcome, veteran anchor Dan Rather said that before he went live with the results, “I was as nervous as a hippo taking a walk on a frozen pond on a sunny day.”

CBS had been prepared to declare Mr. Gore the winner as early as 4:00 in the afternoon, but Mr. Rather, haunted by the memory of missteps during the network’s election coverage in 2000, insisted that the network double-check the numbers first.

“If we don’t get this right, I’m going to be hotter than my Aunt Maisie’s gumbo in July,” Mr. Rather reportedly told his producer.

Satisfied that the network’s calculations were air-tight, Mr. Rather appeared on the air at 10:03 PM announcing, simply, “It’s Gore.”

Moments later, Mr. Rather placed a congratulatory phone call to the former vice president, who seemed taken aback by the news.

“Dan, if this is your idea of a prank, all I can say is, ‘real mature,’” Mr. Gore said before abruptly hanging up.
“Thank you, Mr. President,” Mr. Rather replied.

Elsewhere, amid extraordinarily high voter turnout, a Republican poll worker in Florida said that people were casting ballots faster than he could tear them up.

For more from Andy Borowitz, go to: www.borowitzreport.com

The critics are raving about GOVERNOR ARNOLD: A Photodiary of His First 100 Days in Office. GOVERNOR ARNOLD is available for $9.95 at Amazon.com.