November 1, 2007

TIMES HUMOR: BOROWITZ REPORT

Hillary to spend rest of campaign in soundproof glass box

Risk-averse strategy for home stretch, aides say

In what some observers are calling a strategic masterstroke to avoid missteps in her quest for the Democratic presidential nomination, Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-NY) will spend the rest of her campaign encased in a soundproof glass box, aides confirmed today.

The decision to surround the New York senator with one-inch-thick walls of soundproof glass struck many Democratic insiders as a sign of just how risk-averse the Clinton campaign has become.

But with Sen. Clinton leading all of her rivals by a formidable margin, campaigning inside a soundproof box could be the surest way to protect her frontrunner status down the homestretch, aides believe.

Sen. Clinton’s soundproof box made its debut last night at a candidates’ forum in Davenport, Iowa, where the New York senator was seemingly impervious to the attacks of her closest rival, Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill).

After Sen. Obama excoriated her for voting to authorize the war in Iraq, Sen. Clinton merely smiled and mouthed the words “I can’t hear you.”

Clinton aides also confirmed after the debate that the New York senator’s face would be shot up with Botox to freeze her features in the most inoffensive expression possible for the remainder of the campaign.

Professor Davis Logsdon, chairman of the political science department at the University of Minnesota, says that Sen. Clinton’s Botox strategy could prove whether a totally lifeless, emotionless candidate can win the White House.

“It didn’t work for Kerry,” he says.

Elsewhere, a new survey from the American Psychological Association shows that one out of three adults feels extreme stress, especially after taking a survey from the American Psychological Association.

For more from Andy Borowitz go to www.borowitzreport.com. Andy Borowitz is a nationally syndicated humor columnist whose work can be found in Newsweek and other publications.