October 28, 2004

TIMES HUMOR: BOROWITZ REPORT

PETA seeks to ban animals from political ads after coyote eats ostrich

Kerry Drops Plans to Use Tortoise, Hare

The animal rights group People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) is seeking a total ban on the use of animals in political ads after a coyote ate an ostrich during the filming of an ad for Democratic presidential nominee John Kerry.

According to a Kerry aide who witnessed the commercial shoot, an ostrich symbolizing President George W. Bush was supposed to stick its head in the sand while a coyote representing foreign terrorists appeared ominously in the background, but “we forgot to feed the coyote.”

Instead of remaining in the background, the aide said, the hungry coyote pounced on the ostrich and swallowed it whole.

Under pressure from PETA and other animal rights groups, Mr. Kerry has now scrapped plans for new negative ads that were to have featured a tortoise, a hare, a grasshopper and an ant.

But with just one week to go until Election Day, Mr. Kerry may have already alienated a traditional Democratic constituency: bird-loving whack-jobs.

Campaigning in Florida today, Mr. Kerry was repeatedly interrupted by hecklers in the audience chanting “Goose killer! Goose killer!

Mr. Kerry departed from his prepared remarks to acknowledge that he did in fact go hunting for geese last week, but added, “I missed.”

Elsewhere, President Bush said today that he had made America safer because, thanks to his policies, more terrorists in the U.S. will die of the flu.

For more from Andy Borowitz, go to: www.borowitzreport.com

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