October 21, 2004

TIMES HUMOR: BOROWITZ REPORT

Kerry steps up praise of Cheney’s daughter

Lauds lesbian in key battleground states

Building on a theme he established in the third presidential debate, Democratic nominee John Kerry today stepped up his praise of Vice President Dick Cheney’s lesbian daughter, signaling that he plans to continue to laud Mr. Cheney’s gay offspring every day between now and the election.

With 12 days to go until Nov. 2, Kerry strategists are huddling to determine which states on the electoral map Mr. Kerry should target for his praise of Mr. Cheney’s lesbian daughter and which he should abandon.

“Ohio, Florida, and West Virginia are all looking very winnable now,” said one Kerry aide. “You can expect John Kerry to visit those states to get the word out that he is very proud of Dick Cheney’s lesbian daughter.”

At a town hall-style rally in Tampa yesterday, Mr. Kerry used a question about health care to sound the new theme of his campaign: “Before I answer that question, Randy, let me ask you a question: did you know that Dick Cheney has a lesbian daughter? Well, he does, and I think that’s awesome.”

While Mr. Kerry’s plan to extol the vice president’s lesbian daughter in key battleground states may yield big dividends in the days ahead, the aide pointed out that the strategy is not without risk: “There’s an increased chance that Lynne Cheney may murder Sen. Kerry between now and Election Day.”

Elsewhere, a $600 million class action suit was filed today on behalf of Americans who claim they have been permanently traumatized by the fear of receiving a phone-sex call from Fox News personality Bill O’Reilly.


For more from Andy Borowitz, go to: www.borowitzreport.com

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