October 14, 2004

TIMES HUMOR: BOROWITZ REPORT

Bush seeks ban on gay makeovers

Angry Metrosexuals March on Washington

President George W. Bush today said that he would seek a constitutional amendment banning so-called “queer eye” or gay makeovers in an effort to protect the institution of heterosexual makeovers in America.

“Our country was founded on the principle of women making over the slobs they date and marry,” Mr. Bush told a Republican rally in Erie, Penn. today. “Only a constitutional amendment can protect the sanctity of those traditional makeovers.”

Mr. Bush said that a disturbing increase in the number of men seeking manicures or using professional salon products in their hair indicated that the time had come for an amendment banning gay makeovers.

While some Republican insiders believe that a ban on gay makeovers could be an effective wedge issue in the fall election, others fear that it could energize angry metrosexuals, who marched today en masse in Washington.

Police estimated that over 20,000 metrosexuals marched down Pennsylvania Avenue, stopping every 500 yards or so to apply additional styling gel to their bed-head coiffures.

Darren Gravinese, a metrosexual activist from Bethesda, Md., said he was marching “to defend a metrosexual’s right to wear open-toed sandals and have laser hair removal performed on his thighs.”

In other political news, Vice President Dick Cheney scandalized the U.S. Senate today by reciting what Democrats called “a filthy limerick” from the Senate floor.

C-Span moved quickly to bleep out the vice president’s poem, airing only the first line, “A corn-husker entered a shuck-off.”

Elsewhere, the Democratic National Committee announced today that its convention in Boston would feature a biographical film about John Kerry entitled “I, Robot.”


For more from Andy Borowitz, go to: www.borowitzreport.com

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