October 7, 2004

TIMES HUMOR: BOROWITZ REPORT

Volcano shocker

Sen. Kerry accuses President Bush of allowing Mount St. Helen’s to erupt on his watch

On Oct. 3, 2004 Democratic presidential nominee John Kerry kept President Bush on the defensive, telling a Pittsburgh audience that Mr. Bush had allowed the long-dormant volcano Mount St. Helens to erupt on his watch, adding that he would “fix Mount St. Helens once and for all” if elected in November.

“When George Bush was elected president, Mount St. Helens was nothing but a trivia question,” Mr. Kerry said.

“Well, guess what, folks —it’s spewing volcanic gases right now and it’s only a matter of time before she blows.”

Mr. Kerry said that Mr. Bush had refused to keep an eye on the troubling increase in volcanic activity at Mount St. Helens because he was “totally obsessed with Iraq.”

“I’ve got news for George Bush,” Mr. Kerry said. “Saddam Hussein isn’t erupting. Mount St. Helens is erupting.”

After accusing Mr. Bush of being “in denial” about “the molten magma stewing inside that scary sucker,” Mr. Bush fired back, saying that it would be “sending the wrong message” to say that Mr. St. Helens was erupting.

Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia rose to the president’s defense, saying that he believed it would be “awesome” to have group sex inside the volcano’s red-hot crater.

“Throw in a few barnyard animals and that’s what I call a party,” Justice Scalia said.

In other campaign news, Mr. Bush ridiculed Mr. Kerry’s statement that the U.S. must pass “a global test” before using military force, adding, “I have never passed a test in my life and I’m not going to start now.”


For more from Andy Borowitz, go to: www.borowitzreport.com

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