October 4, 2007

TIMES HUMOR: BOROWITZ REPORT

In a sign of confidence, Clinton airs vicious attack ads about herself

Bid to pre-empt rivals, aides say

In a sign of confidence befitting her status as frontrunner, Democratic presidential candidate Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-NY) today began airing what her aides are calling “extremely vicious attack ads about herself.”

The ads, airing in such key early states as New Hampshire and Iowa, take Ms. Clinton to task for everything from her position on Iraq to her failed health care proposals of the 1990’s to what aides characterized as her “whiny voice and annoying cackle.”

With Sen. Clinton showing double-digit leads in many polls and steamrolling her rivals in recent debates, aides said that spending precious campaign funds to attack herself sends a message to voters that the New York senator “feels good about how the campaign is going.”

While negative ads have become commonplace in political campaigns, Sen. Clinton’s bruising ads are believed to be the first time a political candidate has spent her own money to attack herself.

“The American people want a leader,” said Clinton campaign spokesperson Carol Foyler. “And if her rivals won’t come out and attack her, Sen. Clinton is going to show leadership by attacking herself.”

Perhaps in a bid to blunt the effect of Sen. Clinton’s self-attacking ad campaign, Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill) today began airing what his aides are calling “his politest ads to date.”

In the ads, a soft-spoken Sen. Obama looks into the camera and says, “Sen. Clinton, I am asking you nicely to please stop winning by so much.”

Elsewhere, in his first major proposal on global warming, President Bush today declared war on the sun.

For more from Andy Borowitz go to www.borowitzreport.com. Andy Borowitz is a nationally syndicated humor columnist whose work can be found in Newsweek and other publications.