September 29, 2005

TIMES HUMOR: BOROWITZ REPORT

FEMA dispatches bus to Washington for antiwar mom

Saying that “severe weather conditions could strike at any moment,” President George W. Bush today ordered the immediate evacuation of antiwar protester Cindy Sheehan from the front lawn of the White House.

The president, who had been monitoring Hurricane Rita from the U.S. Northern Command headquarters in Colorado, said that he was flying back to Washington D.C. “immediately” to take a hands-on role in the evacuation of Ms. Sheehan.

“We have learned from Katrina and Rita that early evacuation is the best policy,” Mr. Bush said. “Therefore, I want Cindy Sheehan on a bus out of Washington as soon as possible.”

Following the president’s directive, the Federal Emergency Management Agency dispatched a bus to Washington, D.C. for the sole purpose of evacuating Ms. Sheehan.

But the antiwar mom, who participated in protests over the weekend with the Rev. Jesse Jackson and other antiwar activists, said she was “puzzled” by the president’s evacuation order since “the weather here is fine.”

“We were protesting all weekend and there wasn’t a cloud in the sky,” she said. “Plus, I checked the Weather Channel and they said it’s going to be nice all week.”

According to the latest report from the National Weather Service, there is a ten percent chance of precipitation in Washington and a zero percent chance that President Bush will ever talk to Cindy Sheehan.

Elsewhere, recovering from aneurism surgery on his knees, Vice President Dick Cheney said that repair work on his knees would be done by the Halliburton Company at a cost of 12.8 billion dollars.


For more from Andy Borowitz go to www.borowitzreport.com. Andy Borowitz is a nationally syndicated humor columnist whose work can be found in Newsweek and other publications.