September 28, 2006

TIMES HUMOR: BOROWITZ REPORT

Bolton removes ten floors from U.N. while president of Iran Is speaking

Annan Demands Return of Floors ‘At Once’

United Nations ambassador John Bolton used the President of Iran’s speech to the General Assembly on Tuesday as a distraction in order to fulfill his longstanding dream of removing ten floors from the U.N. building in New York.

Mr. Bolton had made no secret of his desire to remove ten floors from the world body’s headquarters, but few in the international community believed that he had the audacity or the wherewithal to pull off such a stunning operation.

But on Tuesday, as Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad launched into a scathing anti-American tirade to the General Assembly, Mr. Bolton successfully removed floors 14 through 23 from the U.N.’s fabled New York home.

Hours after the unprecedented floor-removal procedure, a spokesman for Mr. Bolton revealed that the U.S. ambassador accomplished the astonishing feat by using something called “a matter transporter beam.”

Mr. Bolton’s excision of ten stories from the United Nations building drew an instant rebuke from U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan, who demanded that the U.S. ambassador return the ten floors to the world body “at once.”

“Those ten floors contain many facilities that are necessary to the continuing operation of the U.N., including twenty bathrooms,” Mr. Annan said. “Also, the storage closet where my son hides his cash kickbacks is on 16.”

Mr. Bolton said that Mr. Annan would have an opportunity to reacquire the ten floors later this week, when they go on sale at eBay.

Elsewhere, responding to widespread criticism, President Bush said today that the United States’ practice of torturing innocent Canadian photojournalists was “under review.”

For more from Andy Borowitz go to www.borowitzreport.com. Andy Borowitz is a nationally syndicated humor columnist whose work can be found in Newsweek and other publications.