September 23, 2004

TIMES HUMOR: BOROWITZ REPORT

Voters give Bush high marks for war on Rather

CBS Newsman Tops Voters’ Concerns in New Poll


The reelection bid of President George W. Bush received some positive news today in the form of a new poll showing voters giving him high marks in the war on CBS newsman Dan Rather.

The poll, with a margin of error of 5 percentage points, asked likely voters, “Who do you trust more in the war against Dan Rather, President Bush or Sen. John Kerry?”

According to the survey, 97 percent chose President Bush while only 2 percent said Mr. Kerry was better equipped to fight the war on Rather.

Perhaps even more encouraging to the President—and potentially more troubling for Mr. Kerry—a majority of voters now says that the war on Rather is their number-one concern, topping such other election-year issues as Iraq and the economy.

One such voter, Ray Pauling, 56, expressed a typical view: “President Bush leaves you feeling like he’ll do everything in his power to destroy Dan Rather, but Kerry doesn’t even talk about it.”

But even as voters express confidence in the President’s ability to fight and eventually eradicate Dan Rather, there are lingering concerns among likely voters that Mr. Bush might be distracted by another war: the war on Kitty Kelley.

“We’re spreading ourselves too thin if we think we can fight Dan Rather and Kitty Kelley at the same time,” Mr. Pauling said.

Elsewhere, just days after Gwyneth Paltrow announced she was quitting acting, former flame Ben Affleck announced that he quit acting four movies ago.

For more from Andy Borowitz, go to: www.borowitzreport.com

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