September 16, 2004

TIMES HUMOR: BOROWITZ REPORT

Changing terms of debate, Kerry calls Bush a lying cokehead

Blow, Snow Dominate New Stump Speech

Attempting to change the terms of the debate in the 2004 presidential campaign, Sen. John Kerry (D-Mass.) came out swinging today, asking a Michigan audience, “Do you really want four more years of that lying cokehead?”

Saying that a second Bush administration would subject the nation to “four more years of blow and snow,” Mr. Kerry unleashed his most savage attack on the president to date, accusing Mr. Bush of spending the federal surplus on a $40,000-a-day cocaine habit.

“Where did the surplus go? I’ll tell you!” thundered Mr. Kerry, who then mimed inhaling a line of cocaine to the delight of the partisan crowd.

Mr. Kerry’s decision to accuse Mr. Bush of “snorting foo-foo dust” and “tooting racehorse Charlie” seemed to be inspired by the new unauthorized book about the Bush family penned by celebrity biographer Kitty Kelley, who coincidentally was named to the Axis of Evil today.

But just minutes after Mr. Kerry accused Mr. Bush of “hitching up the reindeers,” Vice President Dick Cheney returned fire, telling an audience in West Virginia that if Mr. Kerry is elected, the Earth will spin off its axis and collide with the sun.

After being told of Mr. Cheney’s latest dire prediction, Mr. Kerry chuckled, “I guess George Bush isn’t the only one in the White House who’s horning the Peruvian lady!”

In other campaign news, President Bush told reporters today that he “doubted” that the Texas National Guard memos discovered by CBS last week could be authentic because “I know exactly where the real ones are hidden.”

For more from Andy Borowitz, go to: www.borowitzreport.com

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