September 9, 2004

TIMES HUMOR: BOROWITZ REPORT

Osama fires publicist

No mention at convention has madman miffed

Al Qaeda kingpin Osama bin Laden, reportedly “furious” that his name was not mentioned once at last week’s Republican National Convention, fired his publicist today and warned that more changes in the Qaeda publicity department may be imminent.

According to sources close to Mr. bin Laden, the Qaeda kingpin had eagerly anticipated watching the Republican gathering in its entirety, hoping to hear his name bitterly invoked dozens of times by G.O.P. speakers.

But after hearing four nights’ worth of speakers excoriating Democratic nominee John Kerry instead of him, an increasingly riled bin Laden picked up the phone and fired his publicist, David Grenway of the Grenway Group, a leading New York public relations firm.

“He said he was firing me and hiring whoever does publicity for Kerry,” Mr. Grenway said.

But according to Mr. Grenway, whose other clients include North Korean President Kim Jong-Il and boxer Mike Tyson, the G.O.P.’s snub of Mr. bin Laden was largely his own fault.

“It’s hard to drum up publicity for a client who won’t do photo shoots,” Mr. Grenway said. “I had the cover of Teen People for him but we lost it when he wouldn’t come out of his cave.”

Mr. Grenway said he had “no regrets” about losing Mr. bin Laden as a client, adding, “He may be the world’s most wanted man, but not by me.”

Elsewhere, the security team responsible for the Republican National Con-vention was still trying to determine how a lunatic slipped into Madison Square Garden and delivered the keynote address.

For more from Andy Borowitz, go to: www.borowitzreport.com

The critics are raving about GOVERNOR ARNOLD: A Photodiary of His First 100 Days in Office. GOVERNOR ARNOLD is available for $9.95 at Amazon.com.