September 2, 2004

TIMES HUMOR: BOROWITZ REPORT

Kerry throttles swift boat veteran

‘It’s clobberin’ time,’ shouts frustrated nominee

Democratic presidential nominee John Kerry’s frustration with the group calling itself Swift Boat Veterans for Truth reached the boiling point this weekend when the Massachusetts senator grabbed one its members by the neck and throttled him.

Mr. Kerry was making a campaign speech in Oakland, Calif. when the throttling incident occurred.

According to eyewitnesses at the outdoor rally, Mr. Kerry spotted a swift boat veteran in the audience carrying a sign reading “Unfit for Command” and within moments the nominee’s face turned beet red, a vein in his forehead throbbing ominously.

Mr. Kerry departed from his prepared remarks to shout, “It’s clobberin’ time!” and then dove from the stage to throttle the offending swift boat vet.

According to one witness, Mr. Kerry “throttled the swift boat veteran to within inches of his life” before being pulled off the man by his wife, Teresa Heinz Kerry, who then scolded the nominee in five different languages.

But minutes after the throttling incident, an unrepentant Senator Kerry told reporters, “I’d do it again if I had half a chance,” adding, “I’ve never felt more alive.”

Mr. Kerry warned all members of the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth that if they continued with their persistent attacks on his character, “I will open a massive can of whup-ass on you.”

The Kerry campaign later announced that the senator plans to use all means available to retaliate against the swift boat veterans, including keying their cars and spraying shaving cream on their doorknobs.

Elsewhere, President Bush created 200,000 new jobs in July, most of them in the field of negative ad production.

For more from Andy Borowitz, go to: www.borowitzreport.com

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