August 31, 2006

TIMES HUMOR: BOROWITZ REPORT

Boulder District Attorney Pleads Insanity

‘Out of My Mind’ to Arrest John Mark Karr, Lacy Explains

In an attempt to explain a mystery that has baffled millions for the past two weeks, Boulder Counter District Attorney Mary Lacy pleaded insanity today for her decision to arrest John Mark Karr for the murder of child beauty queen JonBenet Ramsey.

Since the arrest of Mr. Karr two weeks ago, millions of Americans have been mystified as to how anyone with a background in law enforcement could have arrested someone for the Ramsey murder without any evidence that he had ever set foot in Boulder.

But in a press conference in Boulder today, Ms. Lacy hoped that her insanity plea would put the mystery to rest once and for all, telling reporters, “I was out of my mind when I arrested John Mark Karr.”

While Ms. Lacy’s insanity plea is expected to satisfy many who were baffled by her decision to arrest Mr. Karr, criminologist Davis Logsdon of the University of Minnesota says that it only provides “one piece of the puzzle.”

“The question remains, why would someone arrest a whackjob like John Mark Karr for a murder he clearly did not commit?” Dr. Logsdon said. “Like many district attorneys, Mary Lacy may have been looking for her fifteen minutes of fame.”

For her part, Ms. Lacy told reporters that she wanted to put the Karr episode behind her and get on with her life: “I have recently been given the opportunity to purchase the Brooklyn Bridge and I would very much like to pursue that.”

Elsewhere, Britney Spears’ husband Kevin Federline will appear on “CSI,” hoping to add acting to the list of things he cannot do.

For more from Andy Borowitz go to www.borowitzreport.com. Andy Borowitz is a nationally syndicated humor columnist whose work can be found in Newsweek and other publications.