August 12, 2004

TIMES HUMOR: BOROWITZ REPORT

Name of Kobe’s accuser appears on billboards across country

Judge to Accuser: ‘My Bad’

The rape trial of basketball star Kobe Bryant took another unexpected turn today as his accuser’s name appeared on massive outdoor billboards across the country.

In what is being described as “a clerical error,” the supposedly confidential name of Mr. Bryant’s accuser appeared on over 4,000 billboards that had been earmarked for McDonald’s “I’m Lovin’ It” campaign.

Eagle County District Judge Terry Ruckriegle said that the decision to plaster the accuser’s name on the billboards was “a huge mistake, obviously” and would be corrected at once, telling reporters, “To Mr. Bryant’s accuser, let me say this: my bad.”

But the judge’s apology was undercut somewhat moments later when he accidentally let slip the accuser’s name to the room full of reporters.

With increasing exposure on the Internet, in the tabloids, and now on over 4,000 billboards, Mr. Bryant’s accuser is currently the third most famous person in America after President Bush and Paris Hilton, a new CNN/USA Today poll indicates.

Judge Ruckriegle imposed a new gag order in the case one day after the billboards appeared and one week after flyers featuring the accuser’s name, likeness, address and phone number were mailed to over 40 million U.S. households in what is being described as “a clerical error.”

In other legal news, former Iraqi strongman Saddam Hussein today said that he would volunteer to be a character witness at Private Lynndie England’s hearing in the Abu Ghraib prison abuse scandal.

“I’ve never met Lynndie England, but I’m a big fan of her work,” Saddam told reporters.

For more from Andy Borowitz, go to: www.borowitzreport.com

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