August 11, 2005

Aging Connection

Aging is a hot topic

Aging is a hot topic—from anti-aging to caregiving, the inevitable process permeates our lives whether we like it or not.

Television and radio commercials grab our attention by shouting out the product that will keep us young and beautiful or tell us that buying a certain car that will give us a younger image. Night and day advertisers offer help to avoid being perceived as “old.”

Aging creeps upon us
Are you noticing how the subject pops into your conversations? We chat with our friends about ways that aging creeps up on us—perhaps we contemplate coloring our gray hair (men however, may not talk about it, but just go ahead and do it), moan about decreased clothing options for the ‘maturing woman’, compare cosmetic procedures or commiserate over giving up buttered popcorn at the movies.

Conversations at work can also include issues of aging. Discussions over whether mom and dad are safe staying at home or whether to take time off work to help with their care. Co-workers increasingly find themselves contemplating not just their own aging but the care needed for their aging parents.

Aging around the world presents a unique time in our history. The fastest growing population are those 85 and older. Some challenges include looking for ways to embrace these changes, enhancing our quality of life, extending financial resources, combating ageism or reducing the stress of caregiving.

In Silicon Valley where people are already stressed out with income worries and job requirements way beyond the nine to five business day, men and women look for ways to help their aging parents, grandparents or other family members while maintaining a healthy life of their own.

Not only does the fast pace of life effect issues such as caregiving and care receiving but so do our attitudes passed down from generation to generation. A type of John Wayne role model of self-reliance and independence present us with conflicts, for example.

No burdens
How many times have you heard phrases like, “pull yourself up by your boot straps” or “learn to take care of yourself?” Older adults have told me countless times, “I don’t want to be a burden.” I also hear their sons and daughters or grandchildren say, “When I get old, I don’t want to be a burden.”

The longer we live, the more likely we will have to depend on others to meet some of our basic needs. But if we resist accepting care due to setting too high a standard for our independence, we can end up in awkward situations.

An older man, for example, who lives alone, refuses to use his cane or walker. His son cannot convince him to accept Meals on Wheels because he insists on cooking for himself. However, he keeps falling and will find himself in a nursing home totally dependent when accepting a little help could keep him safe in his own home.

Imagine that we live to be over 100 years of age. What kind of help would we need? Will we be able to cook, drive, shower, or access the computer? Will we be living alone, with family, friends or in a care home? Will we be able to hear the news, keep abreast of current events, recognize our loved ones, or lose our ability to speak? Will we ask for help? Or more important, will we accept help offered to us?

No one really knows what condition we will find ourselves in. The reality is at any age, due to illnesses or accidents, we may be faced with these issues and can start preparing ourselves by learning to ask for help when we need to.

Accepting help
Some elders resist care—while others accept the help offered, yet still struggle with trying not to be a burden. Some families look at elder care not as a burden but rather as a privilege and an honor. Various ethnic groups teach the young to care for their elders.

For example, a Portuguese woman with teenagers flies to the Azores Islands every few months to care for her ailing mother. She does her grocery shopping and cooking and even though she worries about her family at home in Silicon Valley, she tells me she wants to continue caring for her mother as long as she can.

Most of us want to remain in our own homes but this isn’t always the best for everyone involved. Each situation is unique. But, we can certainly refrain from demanding that our loved ones promise not to put us in a care home.

Unfortunately many devoted family members try to keep that promise even if it is impossible. We cannot possibly predict the future or know what the situation will be for our families or what kind of care we will require.

We cannot predict what changes life will bring as we age. But what if we do live a long life? We can look for strength and support in those around us and make up our minds to let go of the “I can do this myself” attitude when it no longer serves us.

We can continue to develop our own personal strengths and remember to help make it easier on those caring for us. We can observe and learn from those brave and wise elders around us balancing independence and dependence.

For example, there’s a 102-year-old woman that continues to live alone tending to her garden. She gladly accepts her son’s assistance with grocery shopping. Whatever assistance we need or whether we are the caregiver, we can do so with respect and dignity.

New support group
Almaden Valley Counseling Service is starting a new caregiver support group. It will be held over six Tuesday evenings starting Aug. 23 from 7 p.m. to 8:30 p.m. at Counseling Service at 6529 Crown Blvd., San Jose. For information regarding the fee and registration, call Vivian Silva at (408) 975-2988.