August 10, 2006

TIMES HUMOR: BOROWITZ REPORT

Congress demands full investigation

The world of sports was rocked today by the news that a professional athlete had tested negative for steroids in a random drug test administered by his team.

Brant Clarkdale, a utility infielder for the Kansas City Royals who has never hit a home run at the major league level, set off a firestorm of controversy with his negative test results.

“Frankly, I have never heard of such a thing,” said Sen. Joseph Biden (D-Del). “We need to have a full investigation to determine if this is an isolated incident, or whether steroid non-usage is rampant in Major League Baseball.”

At a hastily called press conference in Kansas City, Mr. Clarkdale attempted to explain how it came to pass that he had not taken steroids as part of his training regimen.

“I was working with a personal trainer who was using two different creams, one clear and one white, which I thought were steroids,” Mr. Clarkdale said. “I was wrong — they were just creams.”

“I'm so ashamed,” he said.

At Kaufman Stadium, home to the Kansas City Royals, fans registered emotions ranging from shock to disbelief at the news that one of their team's players had failed to take steroids.

“At these ticket prices, you bet your ass I expect the players to come to the ballpark juiced,” said Randy Simmis, 34. “Doesn't he know we're in last place?”

Elsewhere, a study shows that teenagers who listen to music with raunchy, sexual lyrics are more likely to have sex than those who do not, while teenagers who watch “CSI” are more likely to solve crimes.

For more from Andy Borowitz go to www.borowitzreport.com. Andy Borowitz is a nationally syndicated humor columnist whose work can be found in Newsweek and other publications.