August 5, 2004

TIMES HUMOR: BOROWITZ REPORT

Terrorists heard chattering during movie

Incessant Chatter Enrages Multiplex Audience

Two al-Qaeda terrorists were warned to stop chattering after their heightened levels of chatter annoyed a multiplex audience in Costa Mesa, Calif. yesterday.

The Qaeda operatives, who attended the movie “The Village,” began chattering the moment the lights went down and continued chattering incessantly throughout the film even after being repeatedly shushed by audience members.

In addition to chattering, the madmen used their cell phones and noisily rustled their candy wrappers despite onscreen warnings against such behavior.

“I knew that these terrorists were evil, but I had no idea they were this rude,” said audience member Bruce Timlin, 24.

But another moviegoer in attendance, Jen Pistone, 31, seemed to take the terrorists’ chatter in stride: “The movie sucked anyway.”

Reports of heightened levels of terrorist chatter in other multiplexes raised concerns in Washington that al-Qaeda might be trying to disrupt the summer movie season to wreak havoc on Hollywood’s bottom line.

Homeland Security Secretary Tom Ridge did not address the chattering incidents in a press briefing yesterday, instead warning the public to be on the lookout for two terror suspects on a cross-country bus trip stopping at several so-called “swing” states along the way.

According to Mr. Ridge, the younger of the two suspects is “incredibly good looking” while the older one “appears worried that his wife is going to do something weird.”

Meanwhile, President Bush told a campaign rally in Columbus, Ohio that his anti-terror policies had made the U.S. safer, except for New York, Washington and Northern New Jersey.

For more from Andy Borowitz, go to: www.borowitzreport.com

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