July 29, 2004

TIMES HUMOR: BOROWITZ REPORT

Mrs. Kerry moved to secure location

Will Remain There Until Nov. 3, Party Officials Confirm

The Democratic National Committee confirmed today that Teresa Heinz Kerry, wife of presidential nominee John Kerry, has been moved to a secure undisclosed location and will remain there until Nov. 3, the day after the fall election.

In a terse statement released to reporters at the party convention in Boston, the DNC indicated that “Mrs. Kerry has agreed with party officials that she could make her most valuable contributions to the presidential campaign from a soundproof chamber buried miles beneath the earth’s crust.”

The DNC would not elaborate on when and how the outspoken Mrs. Kerry made her departure from Boston, but sources said yesterday that the she was spirited away from her hotel under cover of darkness by what are being described as “burly Democratic party goons.”

“There was some sort of struggle, a whole lot of swearing, and then nothing,” said one witness. “I think chloroform and a tube sock may have played a role.”

Mrs. Kerry’s departure from the campaign occurred just hours after she took great pains to explain why she told a reporter on Monday to “shove it.”

“In my native Mozambique, ‘shove it’ is the same as ‘shalom,’” she said. “It means hello, goodbye and peace.”

But when a reporter challenged this explanation, she snapped, “You can take a 64-oz bottle of Heinz ketchup and shove it up you’re a__.”

Regaining her composure, Mrs. Kerry said that in Mozambique, inviting someone to shove a ketchup bottle up his or her a__ was the same thing as saying “Have a nice day.”

For more from Andy Borowitz, go to: www.borowitzreport.com

The critics are raving about GOVERNOR ARNOLD: A Photodiary of His First 100 Days in Office. GOVERNOR ARNOLD is available for $9.95 at Amazon.com.