July 28, 2005

TIMES HUMOR: BOROWITZ REPORT

Bush praises nondescript nominee

John G. Roberts, President Bush’s nominee to replace Justice Sandra Day O’Connor on the United States Supreme Court, made a case for his own nomination today, telling reporters that, if confirmed, he was determined to be “the most generic white male in the history of the Supreme Court.”

With a beaming President Bush at his side, Judge Roberts said that if he serves on the nation’s highest court, “The nondescript American white male, who is woefully underrepresented in this country at present, will finally have a voice.”

Judge Roberts summarized the life experiences that had put him in touch with the needs of the generic white male, including a brief period in the early 1980s when he modeled generic men’s sportswear for K-Mart, as well as a later stint as a downloadable generic white male icon for ClipArt.

While President Bush praised his nominee for being both “interchangeable” and “unremarkable,” a poll taken just hours after the nomination was announced suggests trouble ahead, with a clear majority of Americans being unable to remember Judge Roberts’ name.

According to the poll, over 50 percent of those surveyed identified Mr. Bush’s nominee as either “Jim Rogers” or “Bob Roberts,” with over 70 percent confusing him with CBS news anchor John Roberts, yet another prominent generic white male.

For his part, President Bush appeared unfazed by such numbers, telling reporters at the White House, “I have total confidence in Don Rogers.”

Elsewhere, over 150,000 women in Great Britain submitted applications to become actor Jude Law’s new nanny.

Andy Borowitz is a nationally syndicated humor columnist whose work can be found in Newsweek and other publications.