July 27, 2006

TIMES HUMOR: BOROWITZ REPORT

Terror suspects to become personal assistants to supermodel

In a deal designed to silence critics of the detention center at Guantanamo, the United States announced today that it would begin transferring all detainees held there to the custody of supermodel Naomi Campbell.

Once the terror suspects have been transferred to Ms. Campbell's residence, they will work as her personal assistants, picking up her laundry, sending her shoes out for repair, and performing any other chores that the demanding supermodel may designate.

In exchange for their services, Ms. Campbell will be responsible for feeding, housing, and interrogating the terror suspects in her employ.

Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said the deal to transfer terror suspects from Guantanamo to Naomi Campbell was a solution to two nagging problems: “We were getting a lot of heat for Guantanamo, and Naomi was having a heck of a time holding onto personal assistants.”

But even as Secretary Rumsfeld trumpeted the deal, the human rights group Amnesty International raised concerns about the treatment detainees would receive while in the custody of Naomi Campbell.

“We are very concerned that Ms. Campbell intends to throw her cell phone at them,” said Carol Foyler, a spokesperson for the group. “In our view, forcing people to work for Naomi Campbell could be a violation of the Geneva Conventions.”

According to a guard at Guantanamo, the deal could be a non-starter for another reason: “As soon as the detainees heard the name Naomi Campbell, they went on a hunger strike.”

Elsewhere, the United States and NATO declined to send troops to southern Lebanon, calling themselves “the coalition of the unwilling.”

For more from Andy Borowitz go to www.borowitzreport.com. Andy Borowitz is a nationally syndicated humor columnist whose work can be found in Newsweek and other publications.