July 22, 2004

TIMES HUMOR: BOROWITZ REPORT

Martha handcuffs self to Mandela

‘My Struggle is His Struggle,’ Diva Proclaims

Convicted domestic diva Martha Stewart interrupted former South African president Nelson Mandela’s 86th birthday celebration yesterday, handcuffing herself to Mr. Mandela and proclaiming, “My struggle is his struggle.”

Ms. Stewart made no secret of her sense of kinship with the anti-apartheid activist during a televised interview with ABC’s Barbara Walters last week, but her decision to travel to his hometown of Qunu to attend his birthday party - and chain herself to him — still surprised many.

“Nelson was getting ready to blow out his candles, and all of a sudden here comes this crazy lady behind him with handcuffs,” said one observer. “At first we thought it was a stripper.”

While party guests looked on in disbelief, Ms. Stewart gave an emotional speech calling upon all South Africans to rise up against US District Court judge Miriam Goldman Cedarbaum, who sentenced the erstwhile lifestyles guru to prison last week.

“The greatest glory in living lies not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall,” Ms. Stewart said, adding,

“Please continue to buy my company’s excellent sheets, towels and paints.”

For his part, Mr. Mandela did not join in Ms. Stewart’s call for his countrymen to fight for her freedom and instead expressed annoyance that she had criticized his birthday cake, which his wife had helped decorate.

Ms. Stewart later unchained herself from Mr. Mandela, telling his well-wishers that she had to go meet with director Mel Gibson to discuss making a film about her life.

Elsewhere, a new poll shows California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger losing support among voters who describe themselves as “girlie-men.”

For more from Andy Borowitz, go to: www.borowitzreport.com

The critics are raving about GOVERNOR ARNOLD: A Photodiary of His First 100 Days in Office. GOVERNOR ARNOLD is available for $9.95 at Amazon.com.