July 21, 2005

TIMES HUMOR: BOROWITZ REPORT

Obstacles abound for weed as Novocaine replacement

A group of California activists hoping to legalize marijuana for dental purposes only may be facing an uphill struggle in their legislative battle, a spokesperson for the group said today.

“Most other nations in the industrialized world have already discovered what the California legislature seems unwilling to admit: that one hit from a bong can do more to ease dental pain than an entire shot of Novocaine,” said spokesperson Davis Wilton.

“It wouldn’t hurt to have a few black light posters in the dentist’s office, either,” Mr. Wilton added. “After a few hits of dental marijuana, dental black light posters can be very soothing.”

The activists, who have been pushing for the legalization of so-called dental marijuana since the early 1990s, say they are hoping that a newly released study touting the benefits of dental weed, especially before tooth cleaning or root canal procedures will help them in their legislative fight.

But according to Dr. Conor Glausen of the University of Minnesota School of Dentistry, the study is not without its flaws: “If you read the fine print, you’ll see that the ‘expert’ who authored the study was actually smoking dental marijuana while writing it.”

Dr. Glausen said he was also concerned by the source of funds used to make the study possible: “I’m suspicious of any pro-marijuana study that is underwritten by Frito-Lay.”

Elsewhere, California Gov-ernor Arnold Schwarzenegger said he would step down as executive editor of the magazines “Muscle and Fitness” and “Flex,” but that he would retain his editorial position at “Nazi Groper.”

Andy Borowitz is a nationally syndicated humor columnist whose work can be found in Newsweek and other publications.