July 15, 2004

TIMES HUMOR: BOROWITZ REPORT

Saddam vows to find the ‘real killers’

Blames look-alikes for murderous reign

Former Iraqi strongman Saddam Hussein adopted a bold new defense strategy at his Baghdad trial today, pleading his innocence and vowing to find what he called “the real killers.”

“If I walk free today, I will dedicate the rest of my life to finding the real killers of the Iraqi people,” Saddam told a stunned courtroom.

While refusing to identify by name who those real killers might be, the former dictator indicated that “there are a lot of people running around Iraq looking like me, and they would have to be at the top of anybody’s list of suspects.”

According to Saddam, a cadre of Saddam Hussein look-alikes had plastic surgery to look exactly like him in order to frame him for the country’s 34-year reign of fear.

Stopping short of offering a full alibi for what he was doing while his look-alikes terrorized the nation from 1979 until 2003, Saddam said that for most of those years he busied himself with celebrity golf tournaments and that he was also on a flight to Chicago.

But even as Saddam offered his own version of events, his French lawyer, Jacques Verges, said that Saddam’s defense would hinge on the “suspiciously ill-fitting sport jacket” his client has worn in court.

“I can only assume that this sport jacket was found at the crime scene itself,” Mr. Verges told reporters. “If the jacket doesn’t fit, you must acquit.”

For more from Andy Borowitz, go to: www.borowitzreport.com

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