July 13, 2006

Silicon Valley Mom

Furniture to die for

By Dona Nichols
Times columnist

From cribs to coffins, Costco has it all. Whether it’s a 48-roll pack of toilet paper, a case of canned corn or even a casket, Costco has it. They’ve got urns too.

They don’t have the actual coffins on display, but rather, corners of the coffins. If you’ve ever had something professionally framed you know that they show you 5-inch corners of the different frames and matte boards and the rest is left up to your imagination. Costco’s coffin display uses this same concept.

I’ve had some pretty strange items on my Costco shopping list, but caskets? Overnight shipping is available, which helps when you’re in a hurry to move on. Costco coffins range from $925 to $3,000. I guess the one for $925 carries the Kirkland brand name.

My neighbor, Mick Stearns, recounted his experience shopping for a coffin. When the funeral director quoted a price in excess of $7,000, Mick said, “If I’m paying that much for it, I want to put it in my living room.”
I’ve got good news for Mick because casket furniture is now more affordable than ever.

At casketfurniture.com he can buy a coffin coffee table, a casket sofa, and numerous other items including a hope chest that doubles as a coffin suitable for burying a medium-sized pet.

The Web site says, “Why buy a casket for just one day? At CasketFurniture.com, our products can last you a lifetime, and still be the perfect vehicle to carry you to the great beyond. Whether it's a couch, shelf, or end table, our products are designed to blend effortlessly into most contemporary interior designs. Every product can also be transformed into a high-quality casket at your time of need.”

For the handyman, a set of plans for a simple, inexpensive, easy to build coffin can be purchased for $39.95. It includes a material list, tool list and safety tips along with a step-by-step full color illustration.

For Mark Zeabin, the entrepreneur behind casketfurniture.com, funerals and the paraphernalia needed in order to have one, have made him a wealthy man. You might say he really thinks outside of the box.

Zeabin also sells cabinets and bookcases, which can be converted into coffins by removing the shelves.

This might work for some folks who keep tidy organized bookcases. Mine are so crammed full of stuff that my husband can’t bear to part with, that my dead body would likely rot by the time he was able to remove the shelves and send me on to my resting place. Looking at my husband’s bookshelves I see three disposable cameras he hasn’t bothered to send in for developing, dozens of CDs gathering dust, a dried-up glue stick and several pairs of prescription eyeglasses that haven’t been worn since the Reagan administration. I’d be better off having myself cryogenically frozen in order to give him the extra time he’ll need to get the coffee stains off the coffin.

My dad used to tell me that funerals were a dying business, but my research shows otherwise. You can spend up to $50,000 on a designer coffin.

My friend, Allison, told me of a close friend who wanted to be buried in one of these high-end coffins. When she died she left buckets of money to her son who decided his mother didn’t need a designer coffin. Going against her dying wish, he buried her in one of the knock-offs from the casket outlet store. It’s one thing to carry around a fake Louis Vuitton handbag, but to lay your mother to rest in a knock-off is unforgivable.

Reading about the high-end caskets I am amazed at how much verbiage is used to describe them. Some have adjustable beds, which seems like a waste of time and money. I’ve priced adjustable beds and would love to have one, but do let me enjoy it now while I’m alive.

All the coffins are vacuum-sealed which makes them sound a little like Tupperware. Except of course Tupperware has to be burped for that vacuum seal. Most offer a variety of color and fabric choices for the interior. It’s disturbing to think that it’s possible to commit a fashion faux pas by wearing something that clashes.

Several casket companies offer warranties of five to 15 years. Are there people who are on the fence and the guarantee is the final detail that really sells them on a casket? Is there an unsatisfied customer out there who has returned a coffin for shoddy workmanship?

The one that bothers me the most is the “plus size” casket. Us poor fat girls have to get the “Lane Bryant” version, even in death.

Which one’s for me? I’ve got to go with the “green till the end” casket that’s environmentally friendly and stylish. It’s the organic way to go and it looks like the pod that launched Spock’s body in the “Star Trek” sequel. I sure hope it’s offered in plus sizes.

Dona Nichols teaches journalism at San Jose State University and does stand-up comedy on the side at the Improv in downtown San Jose. She lives in Evergreen with her husband and three children. E-mail her at: DonaNichols@gmail.com.