July 6, 2006

Making sense of grief

Local families touched by suicide aim to get word out about prevention

By Jeanne Carbone Lewis
Staff Writer

The act of suicide has been described as a permanent solution to a temporary condition. It leaves family and friends devastated with unanswered questions of what they could have done differently.

Michael Cox ventured back to Darwin Falls in April 2006 in memory of his late wife Anandi (below).

Some suicides are high profile. University of California Chancellor Denice Dee Denton apparently jumped to her death from a 44-story San Francisco apartment rooftop in June. Other suicides don’t make the front page, but are just as traumatic leaving a myriad of questions and guilt behind for the family and friends of the victims.

New Almaden resident Michael Cox experienced the trauma of suicide firsthand after losing his wife, Anandi this past January.

“Anandi” means a sate of deep spiritual bliss, something that Anandi, whose Christian name was Lynda Gail Cox, sought her entire life.

Struggling to make sense of the tragedy, Cox is reaching out to others to prevent what happened to him from happening to other families.

“I’m walking in the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention walk because I thought it was a real tragedy that I learned more about the issue and its prevention after the fact,” said Cox. “A lot more needs to be done to educate people [about suicide prevention] especially health care providers and doctors. The standard question is ‘are you feeling suicidal?’ If the answer is no they move on.”

Anandi
Michael and Anandi Cox spent the last two years of her life searching for an answer for her depression. After ruling out a physical problem, drugs were prescribed. Rarely did the psychotropic cocktails ever bring back the woman that Michael had known and loved for 25 years. He saw glimpses of her return, but it was “never 100 percent,” and then the dark side of her psychosis would whisk her away again.

Right before Anandi committed suicide, she expressed interest in going places, visiting friends and organizing their home and Michael thought she was coming out of the depression but now he realizes that instead of getting better she was actually preparing to put an end to her suffering. Michael learned that this is a common occurrence in suicidal individuals after he joined a support group.

“The people had different stories but the outcome was the same,” said Cox. “We all had the feeling that our loved one was coming back. We missed the warning signs and asked ourselves ‘how could I be so stupid?’ You’re doubly damaged with the loss and also thinking there was something you could have done to prevent it.”

Anandi’s sister Colleen Myrhaug, right, will fly from Canada to participate in AFSP’s Out of the Darkness walk. Here she poses with her daughter, Brittany.

“If you have a loved one on psychotropic drugs be very diligent about it,” added Cox. “Don’t believe what the patient says—that’s what my wife did. Get educated to the warning signs; figure out what actions you will take. Even with my wife she had second thoughts. She said ‘I think I need to go to the hospital’ and we were going to go the next day. The next day she was gone.”

Cox heard of the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention [AFSP] Out of Darkness Overnight Walk in San Francisco from a friend at work. On July 22-23, Cox and Anandi’s sister Colleen are walking on team HeavenAnandiEarth in memory of their beloved Anandi.

“Please help us to realize Anandi’s dream of bringing some heaven to earth,” Cox’s Web site reads. “Help us raise money for suicide prevention. Myself and thousands of other walkers are attempting to raise the funds for the awareness and prevention of suicide. In this small way we are transforming a terrible loss into positive action to save lives. Together we can save lives.”

The stats
Each year more than 30,000 people take their own lives. Suicide is the eighth leading cause of death in the United States. Homicide is the 13th leading cause of death—more people kill themselves than are killed by others. Although there is no official U. S. data compiled, it is estimated that there are over 764,000 attempted suicides each year. It is estimated that among the young [15-24) for every completed suicide there are 100-200 attempts. Suicide is the third leading cause of death for American youth 15 to 24 years old.

The Almaden Valley Counseling Services [AVCS] was founded in 1980 after the community was rocked by two teen suicides. Concern over the lack of adequate counseling resources for Almaden youth spurred the community to respond.

“At the time, they realized that there was very little counseling available in the schools to address issues with teen depression,” said AVCS Executive Director Matthew Osment. “AFCS provides assessment and referral for those at serious risk of suicide. It’s always best to keep in mind that the best treatment for active suicidal ideation is to cal 9-1-1 or Emergency Psychiatric Services.”

“If someone is not actively a threat to themselves, AVCS may be able to help them work through their issues in a one-on-one or group counseling session. It is always important to help someone realize that their present state of depression is something that they can overcome, that their present feelings are not necessarily feelings that they will have forever. Things will get better, no matter what the circumstances,” added Osment.

Nima
Marin County resident Justin Wilkinson “never saw it coming” and lost one of his best friends to suicide in January of this year. Nima Shatiran bought a rifle and waited the week needed to register by law. He brought it home and told his mom that he wanted to end his life. Not realizing the urgency of the situation, she told him that she would love him and accept whatever he did. After the talk with his mother, he went downstairs and shot himself.

“It lifts me up to raise money for the cause,” said Wilkinson who will also walk in the Out of Darkness fund-raiser. “I knew Nima very well and I didn’t see it coming. It is my hope that to raise money it will bring light into someone else’s life.”

Michael
Almaden resident Kelli Casale met Michael Cox at the church they both attend. They discovered they something in common when they found out they had both experienced the suicide of a loved one.

“My stepbrother, John Nelson took his life six years ago at 37 years old,” said Casale. “We were close as children but we drifted apart. He seemed to have a good life. I guess that’s one of life’s lessons—never judge people’s lives—you never know. I lost my step-brother to suicide. My daughter also knew someone who took their own life when she was a freshman. Suicide affects everyone.”

“I visited Kona, Hawaii and my stepbrother was a commercial fisherman there,” added Casale. “The bartender knew John and told us he caught one of the largest fish there and his picture was on the wall. After that I felt very strong that I had to do the walk and raise awareness regarding suicide.”

Anandi’s art was deeply spiritual. In this drawing, she shows herself touching the earth realm, with a dove of peace that is heaven sent and connecting earth to the divine realm of heaven, represented by the stars. Her sister named the team HeavenAnandiEarth in memory of her sister.

Into the light
Each suicide has a distinctly different story but the end result to loved ones is always an open aching wound—and the wish that they could have prevented the suicide. To spread the word about suicide prevention, friends and family will walk the 20-mile AFSP Out of Darkness Overnight Walk through the night, from dusk until dawn in San Francisco on July 22 and 23.

The AFSP brings together friends, family members and loved ones whose lives have been touched by suicide or depression, and gives them a way to turn their heartbreak into hope so that others can learn from their tragedy.

Each walker agrees to raise at least $1,000. Net proceeds will benefit the AFSP to fund research, education, help for survivors and awareness programs—both to prevent suicide and assist those affected by suicide.

These three courageous individuals are sharing their painful stories of loss in the hope that other families will not suffer as they have. Suicide may be prevented if one knows the warning signs and how to reach out to those suffering from depression.

To contribute to Michael Cox’s Out of the Darkness Overnight Walk, visit http://www.theovernight.org/index.cfm?fuseaction=extranet.personal page&confirmid=10003844 or call 408-553-2116. Checks can be mailed to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, 21700 Almaden Rd., San Jose, CA. 95120-4314. Please include donor’s name, address and telephone number so a receipt from AFSP will be sent. All donations are tax-deductible.

To contribute to Justin Wilkinson’s Out of the Darkness Overnight Walk, visit http://www.theovernight.org/wt9_public/support.cfm?id=100003515.

To contribute to Kelli Casale’s Out of the Darkness Overnight Walk, visit www.theovernight.org/index.cfm?fuseaction=extranet.personalpage&confirmid=10005824.

For more information on the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention visit www.afsp.org.

If you are considering suicide call 911 or (408) 279-3312 or 1-800-SUICIDE.