June 24, 2004

TIMES HUMOR: BOROWITZ REPORT

Michael Moore wins Tour de France

Lance Armstrong cries foul

The Gallic love-fest for filmmaker Michael Moore reached its apogee today as Mr. Moore snagged a controversial first-place finish in this year’s Tour de France.

The stunning victory for Mr. Moore in the world’s most famous bicycle race was particularly surprising because Mr. Moore is not known to have ever owned or even climbed upon a bicycle in his entire life.

But what made the win truly controversial was the fact that the Tour de France was not scheduled to begin until next month.

“In recognition of Mr. Moore’s contributions to the world of cinema and to the world in general, we felt it was only fair to give him a month’s head start,” said Tour de France spokesman Jean-luc Bourdieu. “Vive Michael Moore!”

But to five-time Tour de France winning cyclist Lance Armstrong, Mr. Moore’s victory in this year’s contest was no cause for celebration, as Mr. Armstrong told reporters today he “seriously doubted” that the easily-winded director had actually pedaled his way to the finish line.

“I don’t know Michael Moore, but he looks like the kind of guy who always takes the escalator,” Mr. Armstrong said.

Mr. Moore quickly fired back that Mr. Armstrong was part of a conspiracy to discredit him along with George W. Bush, Dick Cheney, Michael Eisner, the Halliburton Company, the Saudi royal family and every member of Skull and Bones except John Kerry.

Elsewhere, the U.S. announced that on June 30 it would still have custody of Saddam Hussein, but it would let Iraq visit him on weekends.


For more from Andy Borowitz, go to: www.borowitzreport.com

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