June 10, 2004

TIMES HUMOR: BOROWITZ REPORT

Canada refuses to change its name to Ronald Reagan

Republicans Blast Canadians as ‘Ingrates’

Canada today rebuffed a proposal made by Republicans in Con-gress to change its name to Ronald Reagan.

The controversial proposal, which appeared to have broad backing from congressional Republicans, was suggested as a way for Canada to show its appreciation for the kindness and friendship that Mr. Reagan extended during his eight years as president.

But moments after the proposal was floated, Canadian Prime Minister Paul Martin gave the notion of renaming his country Ronald Reagan a frosty thumbs down.

“Canada has no intention of changing its name to Ronald Reagan, Ronald McDonald or Ronald anything else,” Mr. Martin said in a speech to Parliament. “For one thing, it would require a total rewrite of the song ‘O Canada.’”

But in Congress, leading Republicans said that renaming the Canadian national anthem “O Ronald Reagan” was “no biggie” and attributed selfish motives to Canada’s refusal.

“After all Ronald Reagan did for them, these Canadians are acting like a bunch of ingrates,” said Sen. James M. Inhofe (R-Okla.). “It’s no wonder some of them speak French, if you catch my meaning.”

Mr. Inhofe said that if Canada held fast to its position, the U.S. would ask Mexico or possibly England to change its name, “but if all else fails, there’s always Iraq.”

Elsewhere, the Bush re-election campaign announced today that after a week-long hiatus, it would resume airing blistering attack ads about Sen. John Kerry (D-Mass.) at 12:01 a.m. Saturday.

The ads will air on a relentless, round-the-clock basis in every state of the country because, in the words of Bush strategist Karl Rove, “We have a week’s worth of catching up to do.”


For more from Andy Borowitz, go to: www.borowitzreport.com

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