June 15, 2006

TIMES HUMOR: BOROWITZ REPORT

Sunnis, Shiities reach out to Brangelina's offspring

Hopes for an end to the sectarian violence in Iraq were on the rise today as Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt embarked on what was described as an emergency peace mission to Iraq.

Ms. Jolie-Pitt, the newborn daughter of actors Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie, decided to make the unprecedented trip to the war-torn nation after she emerged as the consensus choice of both Sunni and Shiite leaders.

"There is only one person who can bring peace to our land," Prime Minister Nuri al-Maliki said at a Baghdad press conference today. "And that is Shiloh Novel Jolie-Pitt."

Ms. Jolie-Pitt may have to cut her trip to Iraq short, however, as it was announced today that after forging a peace deal in that country she was embarking on a special mission to Darfur, a region whose intractable problems have flummoxed even the most experienced diplomats.

"We do not need the help of the UN," President Omar Hassan al-Bashir told reporters today. "We need Shiloh Novel Jolie-Pitt."

While other trouble spots such as Somalia and Nepal are also on Ms. Jolie-Pitt's agenda, a spokesman for the newborn cautioned the people of the world not to expect too much of her.

"Shiloh Novel Jolie-Pitt is working tirelessly to bring a lasting peace to the world," the spokesman said. "But there is only so much one baby can do."

Elsewhere, Sir Paul McCartney offered this response to pornographic photos of his estranged wife Heather Mills McCartney: "If I had known she was capable of these things, I would have remained married to her."

For more from Andy Borowitz go to www.borowitzreport.com. Andy Borowitz is a nationally syndicated humor columnist whose work can be found in Newsweek and other publications.