May 19, 2005

TIMES HUMOR: BOROWITZ REPORT

Millions count the days until sitcom’s exit

Even as CBS trumpeted the series finale of its long-running hit comedy “Everybody Loves Raymond” Monday, a new poll of television viewers reveals that a surprising number of Americans despise Raymond and counted the days until the show made its final exit.

The survey, conducted by the University of Minnesota’s Opinion Research Institute, suggests that within some segments of the American people, hatred of Raymond runs deep.

“It is true that some people do, in fact, love Raymond,” said Dr. Davis Cloessner, who supervised the survey. “But those who hate Raymond truly hate his guts.”

Perhaps contributing to people’s intense hatred of Raymond is the pressure they feel to love him, a pressure implied in the show’s title, Dr. Cloessner said.

“When people are told that ‘everybody’ loves Raymond, and they look inside their hearts and realize that they don’t, that leads to a tremendous sense of alienation,” Dr. Cloessner said. “And it makes them despise Raymond even more.”

According to the poll, he said, feelings of anger or hatred toward Raymond cut across all demographic lines, as people appear to hate Raymond regardless of age, religion, race or geographic region.

“Raymond is equally despised in red states and blue states,” Dr. Cloessner said. “If John Kerry had somehow managed to tap into the American people’s intense hatred of Raymond, the 2004 election might have been a whole different story.”

Elsewhere, officials said that a small plane that strayed into White House airspace on Wednesday posed no real threat because Vice President Dick Cheney was out of town.


Andy Borowitz is a nationally syndicated humorist. Visit www.Borowitzreport.com for more of his columns. Purchase THE BOROWITZ REPORT: THE BIG BOOK OF SHOCKERS, only $8.96 at Amazon.com.