May 5, 2005

TIMES HUMOR: BOROWITZ REPORT

Will offer salvation, motor vehicle renewals on Sunday

The separation of church and state, long considered a hallmark of American democracy, vanished early Sunday morning, replaced by a new institution called sturch.

Scientists at the Clausen Observatory at the University of Minnesota, who for years have been monitoring a widening hole in the wall separating church and state, said that the wall disappeared entirely on Sunday morning shortly after 8:00 (EST).

“We first noticed the hole in the wall developing about four years ago,” said the University of Minnesota’s Davis Logsdon. “But now it’s pretty much no wall and all hole.”

While the exact shape and dimensions of the new church-state entity, sturch, remain to be determined, President Bush today installed as its official leader the Rev. Bill Frist (R-Tenn), the star player in this week’s “Justice Sunday” broadcast.

At a formal swearing-in ceremony at the former White House, now called the Big White Cathedral, Rev. Frist said that jettisoning the wall between church and state would benefit all Americans “except those who are anti-faith, and they know who they are.”

He added that by combining the two traditionally separate institutions, sturch would allow congregants to seek salvation and motor vehicle renewals on Sunday without leaving their pews.

As for the longstanding debate over taxing places of worship, Rev. Frist said, “Since sturch is part of the government, it will be collecting taxes, not paying them, thank you very much!”

Elsewhere, newly engaged actors Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner requested that the media stop calling them “Bennifer,” saying that they preferred to be called “Afgarn.”


Andy Borowitz is a nationally syndicated humorist. Visit www.Borowitzreport.com for more of his columns. Purchase THE BOROWITZ REPORT: THE BIG BOOK OF SHOCKERS, only $8.96 at Amazon.com.