April 26, 2007

TIMES HUMOR: BOROWITZ REPORT

NBC News Issues Stricter Broadcast Standards for Future Mass Murderers

HD Quality ‘Essential,’ News Chief Says

Facing criticism over his network’s relentless airings of Virginia Tech gunman Seung-Hui Cho’s videos, NBC News president Steve Capus announced today that the network was issuing “stricter broadcast standards” for all future mass murderers.

Speaking at NBC News headquarters in New York, Mr. Capus said that while NBC will “continue to be the home for mass murderers’ videos going forward,” homicidal maniacs should “think twice before sending any old video into NBC News.”

“Here’s the deal,” Mr. Capus told reporters. “If you send in your creepy videotape to NBC and expect us to play it around the clock, we expect the video quality and production values to be up to our broadcast standards.”

Mr. Capus was harshly critical of the grainy video and muffled audio of Mr. Cho’s tape, saying that “we live in an HD age, and we think it is essential that our mass murderers’ tapes be of HD quality.”

In what was perhaps his most damning comment about the quality of Mr. Cho’s tape, Mr. Capus said, “I want all future mass murderers to remember that NBC stands for No Bad Camerawork.”

After reporters asked Mr. Capus if, in retrospect, he wished that the timing of the broadcast of Mr. Cho’s video had been different, the NBC News chief admitted that he did.

“We aired that video too soon after Mr. Cho’s rampage,” Mr. Capus said. “We should have held it until May sweeps.”

Elsewhere, after singer Sheryl Crow asked people to limit their use of toilet paper to curb global warming, President Bush said he would do his part by pooping on the Constitution.

For more from Andy Borowitz go to www.borowitzreport.com. Andy Borowitz is a nationally syndicated humor columnist whose work can be found in Newsweek and other publications.