April 13, 2006

TIMES HUMOR: BOROWITZ REPORT

Illegal aliens to be 'guest scapegoats' for duration of 2006 campaign

Attempting to break the logjam on immigration, President George W. Bush today proposed a new immigration bill that would allow illegal aliens to work as scapegoats for the duration of the 2006 midterm election campaign.

“This bill, if passed into law, would recognize the important role immigrants have traditionally played in America as hard-working, invaluable political scapegoats,” Mr. Bush told reporters at a White House briefing.

Under the president's plan, illegal aliens would be given a new status as "guest scapegoats" until Election Day in November of 2006, after which they would return to their previous status as "plain old illegal aliens," the president said.

Mr. Bush urged Congress to pass his scapegoat bill, adding, "Illegal aliens are vitally needed to fill the role of scapegoats formerly played by gay married couples during the 2004 election."

According to insiders familiar with the plan, illegal aliens who come forward and identify themselves to the government would be issued official I.D. cards identifying them as scapegoats.

The proposed law offers no medical or Social Security benefits to the so-called guest scapegoats, but it does guarantee them the opportunity to appear in negative political ads throughout the fall.

While the plan was instant hailed by Republicans in Congress, it drew an unlikely opponent today in Baghdad, where Saddam Hussein interrupted his trial with the following outburst: "I am President Bush's scapegoat, and no one can take that away from me!"

Elsewhere, the European Space Agency launched the Venus Express, an unmanned space probe that will study the planet Venus and send back filthy limericks about it.

For more from Andy Borowitz go to www.borowitzreport.com. Andy Borowitz is a nationally syndicated humor columnist whose work can be found in Newsweek and other publications.