April 7, 2005

TIMES HUMOR: BOROWITZ REPORT

Threaten boycott of roid-free squad

Opening Day, a spring ritual greeted with joy by baseball fans across the country, was marred somewhat in Cleveland today as a mob of angry Cleveland Indians fans massed outside Jacobs Field, demanding that the players take steroids.

Displeasure with the championship-starved squad reached a boiling point last month during Congressional hearings about steroid abuse when not a single Indian, past or present, was called to testify.

“That was the straw that broke the camel’s back,” said Chuck Goulardi, 49, a leader of the protest. “It became clear that the Indians aren’t going the extra mile to compete with the big boys.”

On the dissident fans’ lengthy list of demands is a call for the Indians management to swing a trade for Alex Sanchez of the Tampa Bay Devil Rays, suspended this week for steroid abuse.

“That’s the kind of winner we need in Cleveland,” Mr. Goulardi said. “At the very least, Alex could set a good example for the other players.”

But getting the Indians to start taking steroids may be easier said than done, said former slugger Jose Canseco, the author of the controversial book “Juiced.”

“On more than 40 occasions I sneaked into the Cleveland clubhouse, offering to shoot those guys up with ‘roids,” Canseco said today. “No takers.”

For his part, Mr. Goulardi bristled at Mr. Canseco’s remarks: “Every time Jose opens his mouth, it’s more bad news.”

Elsewhere, in their home opener on Sunday night, the New York Yankees defeated the Boston Red Sox by 57 million dollars.

Andy Borowitz is a nationally syndicated humorist. Visit www.Borowitzreport.com for more of his columns. Purchase THE BOROWITZ REPORT: THE BIG BOOK OF SHOCKERS, only $8.96 at Amazon.com.