April 1, 2004

Saying goodbye isn’t easy

Counselors offer advice on coping with a loss

By Sheila Sanchez
Staff Writer

Counselors are encouraging parents and friends of those grieving Leland High School senior Troy Pollett’s death to acknowledge feelings and listen without thinking they need to know all the answers or make everything better.
They also need to understand that grief is a natural response to loss and that understanding death for young people can be painful and overwhelming, they said.

“It’s really important for everyone to acknowledge there’s been a loss and that there will be feelings about it,” said Rocki Kramer, executive director of the Almaden Valley Counseling Service.

“Parents and kids dealing with someone suffering a loss of this magnitude need to just listen. People have to experience their pain in their own way. Don’t say things like, ‘I know how you feel,’ because you’ll be taking away their feelings,” continued Kramer.

The licensed clinical social worker, who’s been in counseling for more than 20 years, encouraged those directly affected by Pollett’s death to first recognize there’s not one specific way to deal with grief. “We all grieve differently and there are all sorts of ways to do this,” said Kramer.

She encouraged Pollett’s group of close-knit friends to expect to experience initial shock over the tragedy, then sadness, which can sometimes be accompanied by loneliness and depression.

Friends of Pollett may not believe that he has died. They may feel numb and in total disbelief as if a cruel joke had been played on them, noted Kramer.

As the shock begins to wear off, those grieving gradually begin to believe the person is gone. They will feel sad. There may be many tears. “You may feel an intense sadness and not be able to cry. You may need to talk about your loss with someone you trust. You are very aware of how much you are going to miss the person you cared so much about,” said Kramer.

It’s also normal for those mourning the loss of the personal friend to not want to be around others because they may feel guilty if they’re trying to have fun, added Kramer.

After these initial reactions to a death so violent and shocking as that of Pollett’s, Kramer said anxiety, fear and
guilt may set in. “With something like this, it’s easy for parents and friends to start thinking, ‘We shouldn’t have stopped the car,’ or ‘We should have gone somewhere else.’”

It’s normal to have regrets and to think of all the things we should have said and done, said Kramer. “We thought we had a lifetime to say I love you, thank you or I’m sorry. Now you may begin to feel guilty, wishing you had said or done more for that person,” said Kramer.

Another emotion down the grieving road is often anger, but the good news is that when this emotion sets in, healing begins to take place for some people, she added.

“Some people grieve and heal quickly while others take months or even years to recover. It all depends how close they were to the person who died,” explained Kramer.

It’s also normal for some people to resent others who still have their loved ones with them and some people may be angry with God and with the person who died as they feel abandoned or alone. “Anger can mask our hurt and pain confusing those people who love us and don’t understand why we are so angry,” said Kramer.

Angry feelings don’t last a long time and Kramer recommended those experiencing this emotion to express it in a healthy way by talking with someone they trust, walking, jogging, lifting weights, beating up on a pillow, drawing, writing or listening to music. “Know that anger is a normal part of the grief process,” added Kramer.

The week after Pollett died, Kramer said her counselors were on hand at Leland High School to help students who knew him well. She said two of her counselors work at the high school regularly.

She said her counselors at the high school would be glad to see any student who is having continuing problems related to Pollett’s death.

The nonprofit Santa Clara-based Centre for Living with Dying provides emotional support to adults and children facing life-threatening illness or the trauma of having a loved one die.

Kramer encouraged those grieving to attend one of the center’s support groups, if possible. She also urged parents to closely watch their adolescents at this time for signs of continued depression and an inability to cope without professional help.

If teens are not sleeping, their grades are dropping and other things don’t seem normal, parents should seek professional help immediately.

The center also provides crisis intervention services and broad based education on grief and loss.

For more information on the Almaden Valley Counseling Service, 6529 Crown Blvd. Suite D, San Jose, Calif., 95120, call 997-0200, or visit its Web site at av@avcounseling.org. For more information on The Centre for Living with Dying, 554 Mansion Park Dr., Santa Clara, Calif., 95054, call 980-9801, or send an e-mail to centrestaff@earthlink.net.