March 5, 2009

TIMES HUMOR: BOROWITZ REPORT

CIA is following Bin Laden on Twitter

Agency hopes to locate madmen via Tweets

In what some are calling a breakthrough in the hunt for the world's most wanted man, the Central Intelligence Agency revealed today that it is following Osama bin Laden on Twitter.

The decision to track Mr. bin Laden's movements, moods, and musical tastes came late last week after the agency discovered he was using the popular social networking utility.

"We thought we were detecting an increase in chatter from Osama bin Laden," CIA chief Leon Panetta told reporters today. "What it turned out to be was an increase in tweets."

Mr. Panetta said the agency's success in tracking Mr. bin Laden via Twitter would depend on its ability to decode a series of seemingly indecipherable messages.

"So far he is tweeting in code, using such terms as LOL and OMFG," Mr. Panetta said. "At this point we have no idea what he is trying to say."

The spy chief said that Mr. bin Laden's Twitter usage seems to peak between the hours of 8 and 9 PM on Mondays: "This may simply be a coincidence, but that's when ‘Gossip Girl' is on."

Elsewhere, New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady said that if he is injured at any point during his marriage to Gisele Bundchen, Matt Cassel will go in for him.

For more from Andy Borowitz go to www.borowitzreport.com. Andy Borowitz is a nationally syndicated humor columnist whose work can be found in Newsweek and other publications.