March 3, 2005

TIMES HUMOR: BOROWITZ REPORT

Wrinkle elixir ‘Hollywood’s dirty secret,’ slugger says

Former Oakland Athletics slugger Jose Canseco rocked Hollywood today by claiming that he injected actress Goldie Hawn with the wrinkle-smoothing drug botox on over 30 separate occasions.

Calling botox “Hollywood’s dirty secret,” Mr. Canseco appeared on CBS’ “60 Minutes” to promote his latest tell-all book, “Plumped,” a searing look at rampant botox use among Hollywood actresses.

“Goldie Hawn knows what all Hollywood actresses know: that you have to do botox in order to compete,” Mr. Canseco told CBS’ Mike Wallace. “I’m not saying I’m proud of what I did, but I personally injected botox into Goldie Hawn’s head.”

While providing only sketchy details about how he came to know Ms. Hawn, he said that on over 30 occasions he helped her smooth out the wrinkles on her forehead as well as “problem areas around her eyes and mouth.”

But Mr. Canseco said his botox-injecting relationship with Ms. Hawn ended after she threw a hairbrush at him in an episode of what he called “tox rage.”

The slugger’s allegations, timed to coincide with the 77th Academy Awards, could rattle dozens of Hollywood actresses whom the slugger claims he shot up with botox, says veteran Hollywood talent agent Buddy Schlantz.

“There are a lot of women in this town who are very worried about Jose’s book, especially those who are no longer capable of looking worried,” Mr. Schlantz said.

Elsewhere, in a series of public service spots, President Bush will be seen speaking at a press conference, after which an announcer will say, “This is your brain on drugs.”


Andy Borowitz is a nationally syndicated humorist. Visit www.Borowitzreport.com for more of his columns. Purchase THE BOROWITZ REPORT: THE BIG BOOK OF SHOCKERS, only $8.96 at Amazon.com.