January 31, 2008

Remembering Gayle Barnes

By Lorraine Gabbert
Staff Writer

On Jan. 23, Gayle Barnes, 52, lost her fight with ovarian cancer. She died peacefully in her sleep at home with her family, where she wanted to be.

Gayle and Jeff Barnes celebrate their wedding anniversary in 2006 with their family. Courtesy of the Barnes family

Despite numerous surgeries and chemotherapy, Gayle lived her life to the fullest, enjoying five years after her diagnosis. “I have cancer, it doesn’t have me,” she would say. “It doesn’t define who I am.”

She never complained about her illness, and people who didn’t know her well didn’t realize she was battling cancer. Those who did sometimes forgot.

“She was selfless when it came to being sick,” says her daughter Lindsay. “She didn’t let it affect her life.”
Gayle’s husband, Jeff, credits her positive attitude. “So many people said, ‘I don’t want to die. She said, ‘I want to live.’”

She shared everything with her children, from unconditional love and life lessons, to how to make a good PB & J. “She was an amazing woman,” said Lindsay. “She taught us how to be humble, honor our commitments and social grace.”

Gayle was involved with the PTA, boosters, Almaden Women’s Club, book club and taught children’s Bible study. She was a soccer mom, swim team mom, snack shack mom, football mom and a water polo mom. She also took mission trips to Mexico, went on safari with Lindsay in Africa, took a European cruise with her son Jordan and went to Italy with a girlfriend. In the process, she learned Swahili and Italian.

“She always took the time for us,” says daughter Stephanie, “and never hesitated to go off chemo if we needed her.”

Despite her illness, Gayle remained cheerful, outgoing and considerate, always putting others first. “She brightened every room she came into,” says Jordan. “She touched everyone.”

She brought out the best in everyone around her. Gayle thought nothing of taking a New Almaden woman with MS to and from water aerobics at the YMCA or uplifting women when she went to the Oncology Center at Los Gatos Community Hospital. “The receptionist would be calling her name, and she’d be out in the parking lot talking,” says Jeff.

Her friends were like sisters. When Dana Dinno’s son was hurt in a car accident, she went to visit him in the hospital. “You just got out of chemo,” said Dinno asking her what she was doing. “Where else would I be?” she replied.

Gayle carried McDonald’s gift certificates in her purse for homeless people, headed blanket drives for Sacred Heart and donated flats of Progresso soup during Presentation High School’s canned food drive. “She wasn’t just sympathetic, she was empathic. What touched people wasn’t that she felt sorry for them, but that she knew how they felt,” Stephanie said.

“She was our hero,” said Cheryl Ryan. “She was always gauging other people’s feelings. If you talked with her, she wouldn’t bring up cancer, but if you wanted to know, she would tell you. She lived for others.”

When Ryan visited her in the hospital, Gayle’s lungs were filling up with fluid and she could barely talk or catch her breath. Soon Ryan began to cry. Barnes, took her hand, looked her in the eye, and said, “Cheryl, I had five great years. Not five years with cancer, five great years.”

With ovarian cancer’s 95 percent mortality rate, Gayle considered herself lucky to have survived so long. Her family believes her fighting spirit helped. She never stopped looking ahead or making plans for her future. She planned a trip to Prague and bid and won a vacation in Italy through a silent auction. She even started to knit baby clothes and a blanket. “If I don’t get to see my grandchildren, at least I know they’ll be dressed well.”

Cancer didn’t dampen her enthusiasm. During Jordan’s senior year, before every Pioneer High School Mustangs football game, the three conducted a ritual. Jordan and his parents would go into kitchen, and Gayle would take her wig off. With their arms wrapped around each other, the guys would put their hands on top of her head and they’d all jump up and down shouting, Hoot! Hoot! Hoot! Go Mustangs!

“She taught me never to give up,” says Jordan, “especially in sports. I always knew she was up there in the stands. I was chosen as my team’s Most Inspirational, but it wasn’t me; it was my mom.”

Faith played a large role in the Barnes family, bringing them comfort and unity. “Mom would always be there to hug and reassure me,” says Jordan, “and pray with me on the spot.”

That faith also sustained the family in the time of tragedy. Gayle and Jeff lost a child in an accidental drowning 10 days before her second birthday. The family was vacationing in the Santa Cruz Mountains when their child wandered off and fell from an embankment into the creek.

One special memory for the Barnes family was spending Christmas together. They chose a giant tree for their house in Pebble Beach, where Stephan-ie’s office party was to be held, and enjoyed decorating it together. “She loved that Christmas tree,” says Steph-anie, “it was so special picking out the ornaments with mom wearing a Santa hat and dancing to the music.”

Unfortunately, Gayle was too sick to attend the party and shortly afterwards, had to return to the hospital. But her wish came true to be home for Christmas.

Gayle’s friends and neighbors rallied around the family, offering moral support, home-cooked meals and love. In her name, they raised money and walked in the American Cancer Society’s Relay For Life. This June, Jordan will walk in his mother’s place as captain for Team Gayle.

The support helped the Barnes family go on with their lives over the past five years while Gayle was sick. “We were able to be away because of the community support here at home,” say the girls.

The family was touched to receive calls and messages from friends as well as from those they hadn’t talked to in years. “Mom had a way of bringing people together,” says Stephanie.

“You’d forget she was sick,” says Lindsay. “If you looked at her, you wouldn’t know she had cancer.” Jeff agrees. “She liked it that way,” he says, “and her hair was always perfect.”

Unfortunately, these past few months she deteriorated quickly. “It’s hard because I thought mom would get better because she always did,” says Stephanie. “But, she didn’t want to be defined as someone who had cancer. She had a sense of humor to the end, envisioning her wig blowing away at the boardwalk to the horror of passers by. She would take funny pictures and play around. We had a lot of fun.”

“Mom never asked why she had cancer,” says Jordan. “She said, ‘God gave this to me so I could show others the way. I get to go home early.’”

“She lived the way she died,” adds Stephanie, “with grace and joy in all things.”

A memorial service will be held on Friday, Feb. 1 at 7 p.m. at Central Christian Church, 2555 Meridian Ave. Flowers can be sent to the Barnes’ home or the church. To donate to the June 28 Relay For Life at Leland High, contact Team Gayle at the Almaden Relay For Life at: www.events.cancer.org/rflalmadenca.