January 29, 2009

The new you

Strategies for dealing with weight loss

By H. Christian Gunderson
Special to the Times

A common question I hear is why aren’t the people in my life happy for me when I lose weight and become more fit.

One of the unfortunate, common side effects of losing weight, changing your diet and getting more fit is the change of family and social relationships. Some may be happy for you, but others will not. By changing the external you, you are also creating a new internal you and with that the rules, comfort zones and stability of your outside relationships will change.

Remember, your friends and family have spent years and sometimes decades counting on the old you. They knew what they could do, what they could expect and most important how you would react in their relationship to you. Just within a few short months all of the established rules of your behavior have changed. For many people change is frightening, so they react by being afraid, nasty or sabotaging the new you. They are afraid you have outgrown and outpaced them.

A part of your husband/boyfriend will be happy for you in your new look, but men are insecure and will need greater reassurance of your love for them. Your husband or boyfriend may feel threatened and a little jealous when more men look at you. They are afraid that you will trade them in for a newer, younger and non-balding model. So include them in this new portion of your life, reinforce the fact that you are doing this out of your love for them. Remember you are not dealing with a sane, mature adult, in this matter. You are dealing with a scared, 3-year-old afraid of being abandoned and left alone.

Of all your relationships, luckily your children are probably going to be the most flexible. A 5-year-old is not going to care if mom drops 10 pounds. Their main concern is whether you are spending enough time and giving them enough love. Teenagers are generally so self-absorbed that as long as the external rules stay the same they won’t be concerned. However you may get some complaints when you switch from eating pizza to eating tofu and broccoli. It is a great time to include your children in your activities so they too become more healthy and fit.

Your family has spent decades defining and expecting a specific role and actions from you. Your family’s structure of safety and dependability may be threatened because all of a sudden they are dealing with a new daughter or sister. These relationships are the most difficult to change. They require time, patience and understanding on your part. Your family will accept the new you at their own pace. As hard as this may be, pushing them will not help. Time is the key.

Some of your friends will be happy for you. They will invite you to go shopping for new clothes and will support you in your goals. Others may put you down and try to make you feel less for becoming happier and more fulfilled. These are the friends who take you to a bar expecting you to play the part of the ugly duckling so they can get most of the attention. What will happen if all of a sudden the rules are reversed and you transform into the beautiful swan and become competition by getting more attention?

Sometimes co-workers’ reactions are surprising. You may wonder why you are receiving negative feedback from them instead of accolades. By creating a new you, you are showing a mirror to all of your co-workers. They will look inside of themselves and may not like what they see. After all if you can become healthier and more fit, they should do the same. The best strategy for this is to include them in your routines. Invite them for walks during break-time. Instead of bringing in donuts, bring in healthy options. For coworkers inclusion is the key.

By creating a new you, your relationships also need to be recreated anew. Some friends may be lost, however new friends who appreciate the new you will be found. Creating a new you changes the balance of safety and rules that your family and friends have counted on. Your family needs time to accept and appreciate who you are now. Your husband/boyfriend need to be reminded that he is the most important person in your life and that he will not lose you because you now have greater options. This is a great opportunity to re-examine your current relationships, to establish new friendships and to more fully appreciate the relationships you have now.

As time goes on and you achieve more of your health and fitness goals, you will continue to have greater opportunities to expand your foundation of friendships, deepen your relationships with your husband/boyfriend and children and to resolve family issues around the new you.

Contact Dr. H. Christian Gunderson at www.strategiesforweightloss.com for more information.