January 25, 2007

TIMES HUMOR: BOROWITZ REPORT

Poll: 100 percent of Republicans Support Hillary’s Decision to Run

GOP Reaction Ranges from Ecstatic to Euphoric

Just days after announcing her candidacy for president, Sen. Hillary Clinton (D-New York)’s decision to run for her party's nomination has picked up support in an unlikely place, with a new poll showing that an overwhelming 100 percent of Republicans favor her decision to run.

The poll, conducted by the University of Minnesota’s Opinion Research Institute, shows that while only 41 percent of Democrats support Sen. Clinton’s decision to run, a full 100 percent of Republicans identify themselves as either “ecstatic” or “euphoric” about her decision.

“Over the weekend, Sen. Clinton announced to the country, ‘I’m in,’” said Rockwell Pritchard of the Opinion Research Institute. “And Republican voters seem to have responded, ‘We’re stoked.’”

Sen. Clinton’s poll numbers are in stark contract with the level of G.O.P. support for Sen. Barack Obama (D-Illinois)’s decision to run for president, which stands at zero percent.

When asked what they did when they found out that Sen. Clinton had announced her candidacy, 51 percent of Republicans responded “cracked open some champagne” while 49 percent answered “danced a jig.”

But despite the overwhelming poll numbers, support among Republicans for Sen. Clinton’s decision to run faces a threat from one possible X-factor: Sen. John Kerry (D-Mass).

According to the poll, 100 percent of Republican voters agree with the statement “If John Kerry decided to run again I would be even more stoked than I am about Hillary deciding to run – and I am already really stoked about her running.”

Elsewhere, for his role in the Jack Abramoff bribery scandal, former Republican Rep. Bob Ney received a thirty-month prison sentence, a $6000 fine, and the Presidential Medal of Freedom.

For more from Andy Borowitz go to www.borowitzreport.com. Andy Borowitz is a nationally syndicated humor columnist whose work can be found in Newsweek and other publications.