January 24, 2008

TIMES HUMOR: BOROWITZ REPORT

Bill Clinton acting ‘like a madman,’ says Kim Jong-Il

North Korean leader urges former prez to ‘dial it down’

Former President Bill Clinton is behaving “like a madman” as he campaigns for his wife, Sen. Hillary Rodham Clinton (D-NY), and needs to get control over his erratic outbursts, North Korean President Kim Jong-Il said today.

While the reclusive Mr. Kim rarely comments on U.S. politics, the North Korean president said that he felt “compelled” to speak out because Mr. Clinton’s behavior on the campaign trail “had gone too far.”

“When I see him popping off like that, I wonder if he knows that he looks like a lunatic,” Mr. Kim told reporters in Pyongyang. “I really think the guy needs to dial it down a little.”

As a head of state, Mr. Kim said that “it gives him the willies” when he sees other world leaders behaving in a seemingly unhinged manner: “I wouldn’t want people who see Bill Clinton losing it conclude that we’re all a bunch of whackjobs.”

Mr. Kim’s words found support from another head of state, President Hugo Chavez of Venezuela, who said that he, too, was “troubled” by the former U.S. president’s “kooky rants.”

“I would strongly advise Bill Clinton that before he opens his mouth, count to ten first.” Mr. Chavez said.

But perhaps the most somber assessment of the former president came today from British singer Amy Winehouse, who called Mr. Clinton’s antics “a desperate cry for help.”

“Bill Clinton needs an intervention,” Ms. Winehouse said. “I hope it’s not too late.”

Elsewhere, Iran called its recent encounter with American warships an “accident,” blaming the entire episode on Mapquest.

For more from Andy Borowitz go to www.borowitzreport.com. Andy Borowitz is a nationally syndicated humor columnist whose work can be found in Newsweek and other publications.